Welcome to the New Year, Thought Leaders, Strategic Visionaries and Bosses of the Huddled Masses and I trust your underlings managed to cope whilst you were away during the Xmas holidays.
To help you start the New Year on the right foot, my team and I have put together a ‘starter pack’ for you the crème de la crème of Mediocre Managers:
10 Things to do to be a Better Boss in 2015:
- Your time is more valuable than your people’s, so delegate
- Manage upwards, shout downwards
- . Remember this: “The answer is no!’ Now what’s the question?”
- A needy underling is not needed so downsize them.
- If pushed into a corner remind them who’s in charge of the exit strategy
- Opinions only count if they match yours
- When you deliver bad news remember to smile, it adds authority.
- You have a bigger car, a bigger house and a bigger wage hence your bigger ego
- There are very few bad bosses, just incompetent staff, so kick some ass
- Integrity is a crutch for those with low self esteem
To help your teams get into the spirit my creative flunkeys have also provided a motivational poster that should be prominently displayed where your staff can read and learn from it.
I have also got my people to prepare your first email for the New Year, which is designed to set the tone for the next 12 months:
2014 was a tough year but we managed to keep costs down by reducing headcount, wages and benefits. The good news is that those of you who were left increased your hours and so retained your jobs. Well done!
The outlook for 2015 though is tough and despite the board offering to keep their wage increases to just below the current Russian inflation rate its become clear that unless we pay them a significant increase we are unlikely to retain such a fantastic leadership team and so reluctantly I have also had to accept this pay rise burden myself.
Those below this level of course are reminded that because of the ongoing global economic crisis there are plenty of cheaper replacements available at all lower grades. So don’t slack off!
But lets start the year with a positive outlook and a spring in our step. In 2015 let’s seize the chance to drive forward our thought leadership, corporate culture and strategic empowerment to increase focused productivity, executive engagement and objective clarity enabling our people to increase outputs, become team players and drive shareholder engagement. Please ask your line manager if you need further clarification.
On a more personal note the person who painted W*nk*r in my car parking space will be identified by CCTV and fired
Back to your desks now little people and lets make some dosh!
That’s it for now; please feel free to request further management help and advice. The first rant is free then you will need to pay, Yachts don’t grow on trees!