This was the perfectly reasoned response from our Head of Communications here at the I.M.M. when Mr Corbyn was manipulated by a bunch of students, the unemployed and some vegans into being the next Labour Party leader.

There was talk of burning our files and summoning our fleet of Lexuses (or is it Lexi?) and heading for Dover but the panic has subsided and your committee has now decided to offer the following advice to our esteemed members.

Mr Corbyn is not a threat because his proposals on closer inspection are not worrisome:

Tax Rises for the Rich:

We don’t pay taxes so this is not an issue

Cancelling a replacement Trident nuclear deterrent:

This does not affect our membership apart from our Head of Ethics whose company Green Nukes was hoping to offload our old subs and missiles to a Iranian contact.

Nationalise the Railways:

This has its benefits as the I.M.M. will be lobbying for a return to First Class with an enforced dress code (formal) and a Third class for the riff raff without a corridor allowing access to the rest of the train.

Quantitative easing for people:

Billions to be used to invest in housing, energy, transport and digital projects.

The I.M.M. has discussed this with some of our major sponsors and they will be offering discounted shares to our members in the following companies:

• Amalgamated Builders
• Amalgamated Power
• Amalgamated Engines

Currently no one we know has anything to do with ‘Digital’. Apparently its a replacement technology for telephones and fax machines. If anyone can help our Blue Sky Techno team out further please let us know

Finally JC has a beard, so do Hipsters and Charles Manson. He is therefore bonkers and unelectable