Update Friday 28th November: Yes Brits as daft as Yankees. Thousands fight to buy fabricated bargains. Thanks God for that, we can now continue to fool most of the little people most of the time. IMM members may join me for a Sherry at the Club later. DL
Black Friday, the day when the average shopper becomes one prawn short of a sandwich is almost upon us. And it’s now crossed the Atlantic and is alive and well in in the UK. So how is our retail industry going to respond to this get rich quick opportunity? The email chain below was forwarded to me in confidence and I am publishing it here on the strict understanding you will not pass it on to the general public or tell anyone else. Or I shall be very cross indeed. It clearly shows how one of our top retailers has stepped up to the plate and is now bringing the Black Friday concept to their UK stores thus improving shareholder value and driving board bonuses, a model all Mediocre Managers should aspire to.
From: CEO : Subject: CONFIDENTIAL: Guidance – get your fingers out!!!! Time: 23:01 Sunday It has come to my notice that our American cousins across the pond have a day they call ‘Black Friday’ where the stores load themselves full of ‘special offers’ and then flog them to the great unwashed at so called bargain prices. Brilliant. I spoke to our U.S stores CEO and he tells me he just ships in a load of tatty TV’s and other goods from China and labels them ‘Samsong’ or ‘Soni’ and then reduces the price on the labels from $1,000 to $250 and still manages to make a 100% margin.Why aren’t we doing this? Correction. Do this or else!
From: Marketing Director: To: CEO Time: 23:02 Monday Hi Sir, I was thinking exactly the same. I have pinged a mail to Bob, Gary and Steve and they will provide a deck and a marketing plan to you by 09:00 tomorrow. You are so right as usual. Deferentially yours
From: Marketing Director: To: Sales and Marketing Department: Time: 00:04 Monday I am disappointed that you lot are not up to speed on this task. I clearly sent out guidance at our last team meeting about improving things and one of you at least should have picked this up and organised a Black Friday campaign. Ideas to me in next hour or you can say goodbye to the Antigua team meeting.
From: Sales and Marketing Team: Time: To: CEO and Marketing Director: 08:59 Monday Thanks for challenging us!!! We were stretched and are loving it J !!!!!!! Such a good idea to do a Black Friday promotion and here’s the plan based on your guidance and helpful insights.
(1) The Plan: Spectrum Fridays: We researched Black carefully and found that there are other colours as well. Our Head Graphic Designer,found another 51 different colours on his Apple, so we thought, why don’t we have a [insert colour here] Friday every week?!!. We are lovin’ this sooo much!.
(2) Sourcing the Stock: Barry in Procurement can source a shipload of Far Eastern Tat including, HFC phones, Nickon cameras and Lewis Vitton handbags. We then store this gear and release some of it into the stores every Friday for the next year.
(3) Brilliant Offers!: We can do BOGOFs, or Sale! Up to 50% off or even a Ye Old Shoppe Salle offer in time for Xmas.
(4) And this is making money for you, Sir: For example: Nickon Fireball XL5 cameras reduced from £699 to £299 plus free shutter switch. Note cost price for a container load is £49 each.
(5) Supporting Data: For this to work we need lots of stupid people. Our research department came up with the following metric from Albert Einstein (he’s a scientist as well as a marketing thought leader). He stated: “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
(6) Video proof that this premise will work : Here is a video of a typical Black Friday in the U.S.
Assuming this discerning shopper demographic lives in the UK then this plan works really well. Thanks for reading this Sir!
So great stuff. Its all here – strong, patronising leadership, a middle management that knows its place and a willingness to drain every last penny from their bargain basement challenged customer base. Showing yet again that Britannia Rules the Sales.
Such events put us in touch with our inner selves. We now know what we are here for. To make Jeff Bezos and such others rich beyond our (and his) wildest dreams.
As a valued contributor to this Blog, may I offer you an 320Tb Appel iMok with a lifetime of free electricity to power it for only £249.99 reduced from £3Bn.