New TESCO offer set to restore confidence in ailing grocer

For those who may not know Tesco PLC is a multinational grocery and general merchandise retailer. After Walmart, it is the second-largest retailer in the world measured by profits and second-largest retailer in the world measured by revenues. It has stores in 12 countries across Asia, Europe and North America and is the grocery market leader in the UK. But  it’s now in trouble for allegedly telling porky pies about its recent profits. A new Mediocre company we Brits can be proud of! Take a look at the share price. Screen Shot 2014-11-12 at 18.41.10

And this crisis has hit the other side of the pond as poor old Warren Buffet is now down to his last $70.3 Billion as he loses heavily on Tesco shares. (Please note that If you are able to donate to the WB I’m very nearly broke fund please do so that we can assist the poor guy in his dotage. As usual send all donations to Dick who will pass them on taking only reasonable expenses out)

There is however some good news. With the departure or suspension of many key Tesco Executives, rumours are circulating in the City of the imminent appointment of Torvil DeHavilland-Pratt, noted Marketing guru and a Director of the Institute of Mediocre Management, as Most Senior Executive RS VP Promotions at Tesco In an exclusive interview, Torvil revealed how he has married together the financial expertise of the remaining Tesco Accountants and the stores reputation for low prices. So coming to a store near you will be the  Get more Cash for your Cash! instore promotion He explains: “The prices for brand new and genuine £10 pound notes will be slashed. They were previously on sale at £14.99 each but will now be only £12 each or 2 for £22.99. If these notes are invested in the new Tesco Investment Trusts Upgrade Programme or TiTsUp customers will receive an interest rate of between -10% and +10%” Typical Example of whats bound to happen to your investment:

Buy 10 x £10 notes at £14.99 each £149.90
Introductory discount (2 for £22.99) £34.95
Actual price for customer £114.95
Total at end of 5 years cumulative interest (with assumed interest rate at 10%) £185.13*

“That’s over £70 profit from your TiTsUp fund”, explained Torvil, “compared to none if you’d kept 10 x £10 notes in a tin under your bed for the same time. And if you put in £100,000 and why wouldn’t one? You would get £71,000 yes £71,000 for doing nothing but acting smugly for 5yrs.” So Dick Lannister says ignore Warren Buffet, what does he know? With Torvil likely to lead the way at Tesco, sell everything you own and invest in this famous Mediocre UK company’s fantastic scheme.

* Please note that your capital rate ratios portfolios can levitate gravitationally both in a vertical and upwards scenario but also move in an anti-positive direction which may result in your fiscal remainder being short of a contribution or two at the end of term.

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