How To Really Irritate Your Colleagues

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Our future Business Leaders gather for an away day strategy retreat

According to recent research there are a number of phrases that irritate the hell out of the majority of normal people. Further research suggests that around half of the people who use these phrases are the usual Office Plonkers whilst the other half are Office Plonker Baiters.

These OFBs are our leaders of the future who are showing the early signs of being irritating, irresponsible and invidious – the 3i’s of middle, menial and mediocre management that eventual develop into a full blown 3M management strategy (Me, Me, Me).

We are here of course to help out people from ‘C’ level all the way down to the lower level Mediocre Management tiers so here are a few phrases, for those aspiring to manage, that will curdle the brains of your colleagues and will help pass a long winter afternoon or enliven a meeting.

Phrases guaranteed to irritate your colleagues:

  • Can I borrow you for a sec? (13%)
  • How long is a piece of string? (11%)
  • Think outside the box (11%)
  • Teamwork, dreamwork (11%)
  • Keep me in the loop (9%)
  • Win-win (9%)
  • Pick your brains (8%)
  • I’m stacked (8%)
  • Blue sky thinking (8%)
  • Just playing devil’s advocate (8%)

However a word of warning never the use the phrases listed below as these are only used by Office Plonkers. OPs spouting cliches are to be kept well clear of as they will drain the very life force from your caffeine addicted persona and leave it as a moist patch on the office carpet to be trampled on by all who pass you by.

Irritating online expressions people say in the workplace

  • OMG (26%)
  • LOL (19%)
  • FYI (12%)
  • Epic fail (10%)
  • Cringe (8%)
  • Swag (6%)
  • YOLO (5%)
  • On point / on fleek (4%)
  • For the win (4%)
  • That’s cray (3%)

If cornered the best thing to ask an OP for is an ‘Enhanced Assessment Methodology’ implying that it was a request from their line manager’s manager.

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(c) Scott Adams

 

 

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The World’s Grumpiest Boss

I have been a little tardy of late and, as a result, not written words of wisdom for you, my dear Institute of Mediocre Management members. My poor excuse is that that unfortunately, due to a number of unenforced management errors, my global empire has of late taken a battering. But luckily we have managed to steady the ship and the share price by re-organising, thus maintaining our salaries and bonuses. This was quite simple, we just fired a lot of people. The downside was the paper work, they wouldn’t go without a fuss, thus wasting my management’s time and more seriously mine, so I was not able to update this collection of excellent and enlightening essays . So blame them.

‘The World’s Grumpiest Boss’ dies

It was with great sadness that I read about the recent death of Mike “Do your jobs and keep your mouth shut!” Davies, who was a spiritual mentor of mine.

Mike Davis was a former chauffeur before he became a Houston oil and gas magnate. But he earned an even greater measure of notoriety as the author of blunt and widely circulated office memos that earned him the unofficial title “world’s grumpiest boss.” “There will be no more birthday celebrations, birthday cakes, levity or celebrations of any kind within the office,” the boss wrote on Feb. 8, 1978. “This is a business office. If you have to celebrate, do it after office hours on your own time.”

I had the pleasure of meeting him once and he repeated verbatim the memo he once sent famously  to his employees at the Tiger Oil company in the 1970’s

“Do not speak to me when you see me, if I want to speak to you, I will do so. I want to save my throat. I don’t want to ruin it by saying hello to (all of) you.”

I took that to heart and Anglicised that, telling my associates   oiks to  “Shut up and know your place” – I’m sure that those I haven’t ‘let go’ yet still think of this with some amusement.

grumpy-boss

As a boss,  Mike lead from the front screaming, hung around the middle yelling, whilst pushing from the back swearing. Had he been in management 20 years later his enlightening, challenging and witty epithets would be adorning the walls of most of our major corporations as ‘Motivational Posters’.

His memos (for those under 40 – a memo is what your grandad used instead of email) included:

ON NOTES THAT WEREN’T TYPED: “Handwriting takes much longer than a typewriter. You’re wasting your time, but more importantly, you’re wasting my time. If you don’t know how to type, you’d better learn.”

ON RUNNING OUT FOR CIGARETTES: “I suggest that you people buy enough cigarettes to keep here for yourselves to smoke because, by God, you will not go and buy them on my time.”

ON TAKING THINGS FROM HIS DESK: “I do not appreciate people coming into my office and helping themselves to my candy, cigars, medicine and other personal items … I don’t mind giving, but I would like the privilege of knowing and giving it myself.”

ON HIPPIE-STYLE LONG HAIR: “Anyone who lets their hair grow below their ears to where I can’t see their ears means they don’t wash. If they don’t wash, they stink. And if they stink, I don’t want the son-of-a-bitch around me.”

ON LANGUAGE: “I swear, but since I am the owner of this company, that is my privilege, and this privilege is not to be interpreted as the same for any employee. That differentiates me from you, and I want to keep it that way. There will be absolutely no swearing, by any employee, male or female, in this office, ever.”

We can all learn from his leadership skills, although nowadays you need to be a little less direct due to the namby-pamby HR centric rules that seem to be prevalent in this neo- socialist society that we live in. To cover your tracks just stick up a motivational poster or two like this.

work-hard

The final word must come from Mike and of course I’m sure that I.M.M. members could use this wisdom almost verbatim when addressing colleagues  resources about holiday entitlement.

tiger2

 

And don’t forget this incredibly informative and hugely invaluable book is still available from Amazon UK  and Amazon US  eBook and for posh people in print as well.Book Fan small

 

 

Duncan Bowen has sadly passed away. R.I.P. D.B.

From Norman Mantovani: Music Correspondent for I.M.M. News

It was with great sadness that a telex has reached me this morning to say that Duncan Bowen had died. Duncan was an artiste of the very highest calibre and a close personal friend.

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Duncan on the left with fellow Beetle Ringo Stardust

Mr Bowen was best known as a musician, playing both the xylophone and the euphonium but it was his deep booming bass voice that I will remember him best for. His vocal on his most famous hit, Major Tommy, laced with a melliflouos, chocolate flavoured, husky intonation invariably makes me weep.

He was born in Brighton in 1934, the son of a toad sexer and a wet nurse and was a precocious child, belting out his own lyrics during his primary school Nativity play. Hark the Hairy Angels Smell was possibly his first ever penned song.

Being invariably cast as the rear end of third donkey probably helped kick start his love of dressing up and his famous holistic sexuality. One will not go further than that as this is a family blog but it was no different to what we thought leaders experienced at boarding school when we were chaste young boys.

Bowen’s first chart topping LP was ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ a curiously cryptic concept album about the life and times of a public transportation vehicle. I usually better understood the lyrics after one of Griselda’s long herby cigarettes.

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round.The wheels on the bus go round and round,all day long

Genius…

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Bowen then changed from his light popular music persona, The Man from Uncle, to a much spacier character, Zombie Bombie. Zombie produced the seminal work Zombie Bombie’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with his then unknown backing band the Beetles

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Bombie was also to last just one album and he sailed through the next decades continually re-inventing himself musically and as an artistic artiste in the art world.

I met the man after I had sold the world in 1983 to a hedge fund manager friend of mine. When I told him the story Duncan laughed and scibbled down some notes which I believe were the basis for his well known song ‘Norman is a Knob’.

In the nineties, Bowen, had DNA injections to help him make changes to his nuclear structure and he lived quietly in a Manhattan Zoo screeching out his back catalogue for peanuts and the occasional grape

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Duncan Bowen Ch.. Ch..Changes again

But sadly all good things must end and we must report Duncan’s demise. He had been unwell for some time, having suffered from Sprout for a while, his extremities going green and flaky with and emitting a damp, musty aroma.

His final performance at Slough’s Municipal Baths was attended by the great, the good and some politicians. Sponsored by the I.M.M. it raised over £100 for the Osborne Home for Tax Avoiders in Mustique.

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DB’s Swansong 

Duncan leaves an unknown number of children, 3 wives (well 4 actually but the others don’t know about that one) plus a back catalogue of immeasurable wealth consisting of finger paintings, recipes for boiled tortoise and several of his unfinished books. Dunc we will miss you.

Note to Ed – Is this ok? Only met the bastard once and he left me the bloody tab..

New media terminology – enabling hipster mediocrity to flourish

At last we can consign Paradigm Shifts, Compelling Consumer Propositions, Swim Lanes and all that 20th century mumbo jumbo that enabled us all to bullsh*t our way through two decades of mediocrity, to the dustbin of ridicule.

Now as we start to hand over the reigns of power to a younger generation of hopelessly inadequate, unqualified yet surprisingly confident underlings it is gratifying to see that finally they are beginning to stand on their own two feet*.

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Although late in coming,  our new intake of mediocre managers are finally creating a world of impenetrable, meaningless jargon that can be used to convince others of their supposed intellectual superiority.

Steve Tenants  has provided a useful technical text generator for both young and old techno-babbling jedi spawn which may be used to confuse the client/boss. For example:

They’re inside the array, use the optical CD-ROM mainframe to copy their transistor!

Send the auxiliary array into the bandwidth, it will copy the malware by navigating its HDD network!

Use the fibre optic COM monitor, then you can attach the analogue protocol!

In additional to mouthing mindless inanities, youthful would be managers need to display a typical, traditional, one of the herd look so they don’t stand out but blend in with their peers.

For men, add a beard, remove the trouser belt, display pants and walk around permanently clasping a smart phone to a sweaty palm.

For ladies you do not have to grow a beard.  Try carrying a large designer handbag in the crook of your arm, with a Starbucks in one hand and phone in other whilst tottering around on a pair of Jimmy Choos.

Here at the I.M.M. we senior executives of course still prefer to wear bespoke suits and club ties although Barry/Sheila our senior accountant does like handbags and wearing Louboutin shoes at weekends.

*held up by a couple of workers obviously

Note: This blog is now available on Wankr

 

 

Redundancy, its the Sound of Xmas!

My dear colleague, Donald Trumpington III, the CEO at International Systems Integrated Software headquartered out of Syria (for tax reasons, I understand) has just re-organised the company in order to prop up Management’s request for an increased bonus this year.

He has kindly offered to share his company’s new organisation chart with us all.

Org chart

The usual 10% of his minions will get the heave-ho in order to generate sufficient profit, but as its Xmas, they are usually mentally prepared for being cast aside into the howling winds of despair and despondency. To ease their pain, dear Donald has allowed them to come to the first hour of the office party for a soft drink and a mince pie. If they stayed later they would just hoover up the atmosphere for the rest of the team with their long faces and whingeing.

There’s some more good news! I.M.M. members are invited to apply for a new role at I.S.I.S, which reports directly into the VP of Fear, Dotty Beaver, Dotty as you may recall provided us with her festive Roast Kitten recipe last year.

JD

Please attach a C.V., cover letter and send a magnum of Bolly to the Club where applications will be evaluated based on who you know rather than on merit.

Note: I.S.I.S. do actively discriminate on almost every form of deviation from the norm so if you do not; look like, behave like, act like, the typical average, underperforming, middle management muppet, then don’t waste the postage.

 

 

 

Grant Shapps – A New Role?

** BREAKING NEWS**

Grant Shapps offered senior role at the Institute Of Mediocre Management.

Grant Shapps exit

“When I find out who told Sir about me I’m going to smash his face in..”

Grant Shapps, has resigned as Conservative Minister for Incompetence  amid allegations of bullying, sexual assault and intimidation within the Tory party. These are preposterous allegations, the man is rich, successful and a Conservative. Chaps like this get others to do that sort of thing for them, his hands are clean.

And so after discussing the matter at the Club, Mr Shapps has been offered a senior role in H.R. here at the I.M.M. looking after youth training, women’s rights and ethics.

For those who are unfamiliar with Mr Shapps here is his Wiki pageGrant Shapps Wiki

I.M.M. XMAS Play – still tickets available.

Don’t forget to order tickets for our Xmas production ‘Scrooge the Misunderstood’.  Sing along as he gets social security to remove Tiny Tim’s benefits as he’s obviously fit for work and then fires his incompetent clerk after a reorganisation. The final chorus of ‘Bonuses are Good, Bob Crachit is a Wanker’ is a fulsome finale!

10 Things That Employees Will Love You For……. And How To Stop Doing Them

downsize 3

A new survey by Reed.co.uk has found that most people rate a good work/life balance above salary when it comes to career satisfaction.The survey found that the following 10 factors were most important for contentment at work:

  1. Easy daily commute
  1. Cool / fun work space
  1. Good work / life balance
  1. Salary
  1. Job security
  1. Work social events
  1. Working alongside inspiring colleagues
  1. Good promotion prospects
  1. Extra holiday
  1. Dress down Friday

The I.M.M. therefore suggest that if you are looking to downsize efficiently, i.e. get the ungrateful lot of money grabbing, whining malcontents that drain your company’s profits off the books may we respectfully suggest the following ‘re-organisation’

  1. Move the office away from public transport and have manager-only parking
  1. Introduce hot desking and ensure plebs, sorry staff, pay for beverages
  1. Ensure overtime is expected at both ends of the day
  1. Make the pay look like the minimum wage is an aspirational target
  1. Introduce zero hours contracts
  1. Hold alcohol and food free events on Friday evenings
  1. Deliver a blame culture which should keep everyone on their toes
  1. Create an office mantra: ‘Suck up or stay down’
  1. Make it known that time off is frowned up and impacts #8
  1. Tell Staff to wear what they are told to wear

10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard

1. Quantity kills quality

2. Sleep matters

3. You suck when it counts

4. Your mood is a buzzkill

5. Your judgment is impaired

6. You’re setting a bad example

7. There will always be more work

8. You’re hurting your relationships

9. You’re screwing up your health

10. Most of the work is less important than you think

From: 10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard | Inc.com.

British Army now recruits from China

The Ministry of Defence has unveiled the new look British Army which will protect the UK’s borders and interests from 2015. General Sir Arnold Mainwaring-Pike, Head of the Army, admitted that the recent cuts meant some ‘blue sky thinking’ and ‘strategic paradigms were needed going forward”.

The radical new policy means that rather than recruiting the unemployed with violent tendencies from the streets of our northern most cities, Britain will now outsource Army recruitment to China where soldiers will be manufactured to order.

Soldiers R Us Catalogue

Soldiers R Us Catalogue

“Clearly being able to order exactly the right number of soldiers who are fully trained as bazooka chaps or machine gunners from the start, clearly saves on recruitment and training costs” said Mainwaring–Pike. “And because they come in green, we save on uniform costs as well.”

The first batch of the new soldiers arrived in the U.K. earlier this year and were put through their paces at the Army’s main training base at Dontlikeit Uppham where according to Sergeant Major ‘Taffy’ McBarstard they were an immediate improvement to his normal raw recruits.

UK's new Army revealed

UK’s new Army revealed

“Once we got them all standing up on the parade ground they remained perfectly in line for hours. Never flinched. Bugger all use at marching but that will come.” McBarstard was equally impressed with their resilience. “It was when we got the bunch of lily-livered mummy’s boys onto the battlefield training area that we were really surprised. Every time you shot at one of them you could just pop them back up on their feet and they were ready to go again. Any casualties and dab of glue worked wonders.”

The British Army has ordered 498 boxes of these troops and will be collecting balls of string and recycled carrier bags to use for the formation of a new airborne division.

Equal Pay: Seven male Tory MPs vote against bill Epic Fail

Sometimes those who lie in the Vanguard of Mediocrity, Middling Leaders who we look up to, let us down and disappoint us. At times like these we should pause, take stock and look at the lessons learned.

As we all know aiming for Mediocrity should mean never failing but from time to time even the most Mediocre amongst us do something, they think for all the right reasons, but get it so badly wrong.

In a vote on Tues 16th December, the Equal Pay (Transparency) Bill was overwhelmingly backed by MPs. The bill called for employers with more than 250 staff to be made to publish information showing the difference between male and female pay and it passed by 258 votes to eight, majority 250.

Seven Tory MPs voted against it, one bottled even that and abstained.

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Here is why voting against the bill was an epic fail, even if you are a genuinely misogynistic, patronising, publicity seeker.

1] The next election, in around 6 months time is going to be a closely run affair. Your boss, David has said that every seat counts, every vote counts. You have just pissed off 50% of the electorate and your leader.

2] You probably hoped that you were appearing to be principled and that there was a ‘good’ reason for your opposition to the bill. Lets make a wild assumption here that you chaps don’t think women should be barefoot, pregnant, slaving over a hot stove etc. Don’t forget, you are politicians and most voters believe that to get where you have today meant you dropped your moral compass in the recycling bin a long time ago. So no one will believe your ‘principled’ argument

3] Your Party Whips are nervous about anything that casts their party in a bad light. It’s not going well in Tory Land at the moment. Your promotion prospects have just disappeared, for ever. Demotion is also a distinct possibility

4] Recently the loony fringes of your party have hotfooted it over to UKIP.  Based on this behaviour your colleagues will have you penciled in for the next tranche to go over the top into political obscurity. Prepare to be shunned at the bar

5] Those of you with wives and partners have just foregone your ‘Hanky Panky’ ration for 2015 and possibly beyond. Worse you may just find you will find that the domestic chores become more equally divided, so there goes the golf handicap

So what Mediocre lessons have we learnt? If you want to be controversial remember:

1] If you stick your head over the parapet of radical thought you will likely get your head blown off. Skulk in the trench of public opinion and survive

2] Principles are for those with nothing to lose. Conformity begets consent

3] Check with grown up first and make them sign a slip before doing anything silly, you can then blame them

Have a very Mediocre Xmas!