Redundancy, its the Sound of Xmas!

My dear colleague, Donald Trumpington III, the CEO at International Systems Integrated Software headquartered out of Syria (for tax reasons, I understand) has just re-organised the company in order to prop up Management’s request for an increased bonus this year.

He has kindly offered to share his company’s new organisation chart with us all.

Org chart

The usual 10% of his minions will get the heave-ho in order to generate sufficient profit, but as its Xmas, they are usually mentally prepared for being cast aside into the howling winds of despair and despondency. To ease their pain, dear Donald has allowed them to come to the first hour of the office party for a soft drink and a mince pie. If they stayed later they would just hoover up the atmosphere for the rest of the team with their long faces and whingeing.

There’s some more good news! I.M.M. members are invited to apply for a new role at I.S.I.S, which reports directly into the VP of Fear, Dotty Beaver, Dotty as you may recall provided us with her festive Roast Kitten recipe last year.

JD

Please attach a C.V., cover letter and send a magnum of Bolly to the Club where applications will be evaluated based on who you know rather than on merit.

Note: I.S.I.S. do actively discriminate on almost every form of deviation from the norm so if you do not; look like, behave like, act like, the typical average, underperforming, middle management muppet, then don’t waste the postage.

 

 

 

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10 Things That Employees Will Love You For……. And How To Stop Doing Them

downsize 3

A new survey by Reed.co.uk has found that most people rate a good work/life balance above salary when it comes to career satisfaction.The survey found that the following 10 factors were most important for contentment at work:

  1. Easy daily commute
  1. Cool / fun work space
  1. Good work / life balance
  1. Salary
  1. Job security
  1. Work social events
  1. Working alongside inspiring colleagues
  1. Good promotion prospects
  1. Extra holiday
  1. Dress down Friday

The I.M.M. therefore suggest that if you are looking to downsize efficiently, i.e. get the ungrateful lot of money grabbing, whining malcontents that drain your company’s profits off the books may we respectfully suggest the following ‘re-organisation’

  1. Move the office away from public transport and have manager-only parking
  1. Introduce hot desking and ensure plebs, sorry staff, pay for beverages
  1. Ensure overtime is expected at both ends of the day
  1. Make the pay look like the minimum wage is an aspirational target
  1. Introduce zero hours contracts
  1. Hold alcohol and food free events on Friday evenings
  1. Deliver a blame culture which should keep everyone on their toes
  1. Create an office mantra: ‘Suck up or stay down’
  1. Make it known that time off is frowned up and impacts #8
  1. Tell Staff to wear what they are told to wear