The referendum of whether or not the UK should remain part of Europe will be held on June 23rd. There has been claim and counterclaim by the Leave and Remain groups so we have tried to summarise the key arguments and concerns expressed so eloquently by our ruling elite.
Dave, our P.M., would love us to stay in Europe as he likes foreign food, his free trips to see the other Heads of State and he really, really wants to be the first President of Europe when he grows up.
Dave says if we leave Europe bad things will happen. He knows this as he dreamt that:
“The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare.”
And then he’ll have to resign and the price of fizz and truffles will go up and poor people won’t be able to buy them anymore.
“Piffle, tosh and drop my trousers and spank me” was the robust response from Boris Johnson, the de facto leader of the ‘Lets Bugger Orf Out’ campaign. BJ is terrified that if Britain stays in then hordes more of ‘Johnny Foreigners’ will paddle over and take away our houses, jobs and tempt our women away with garlic infused charcuterie and castanet laced ditties.
Meanwhile the feisty leader of the SNP, Nicola ‘knickers in a twist’ Sturgeon has indicated that if the UK leaves Europe she will demand a referendum on Scottish independence and if the UK remains in Europe she will require a referendum on Scottish independence. When asked was there any difference she relied ” Och aye! Hoots mon ye are a wee Sassenach so ye are!”
So far the Remain camp have predicted that if the UK leaves the EU then:
- Unemployment would rise to 64.1 million (the entire UK would lose their jobs)
- Our trade deficit would grow to £5 trillion
- ISIS would become the largest UK party
- The French would launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the UK
- Hordes of rampant ebola carrying chipmunks would swim the channel and kill us all
In response the Leave camp has agreed that this is in fact the likely scenario that they are predicting will happen if we remain in Europe although they say there is still a minor dispute about whether it will be chipmunks or infected ocelots that will actually swim the channel.
It is clear therefore to us at the I.M.M. that we are doomed, no matter what the result on June 23rd. Clearly the intellectual giants that lead both campaigns know something we don’t and we should be perturbed, very perturbed.
We are therefore suggesting that you make plans to take a very long holiday until it all blows over and where better than a little known British dependency in the North Atlantic called the Asda and Lidl Islands. The Institute own a 5 star hotel there (tax evasion tool enough said!) and rates are exorbitant but at least it keep the riff-raff out.
So book now and see in your country’s demise with a bottle of Dom P ’63 – you know you’re worth it.