10 Things That Employees Will Love You For……. And How To Stop Doing Them

downsize 3

A new survey by Reed.co.uk has found that most people rate a good work/life balance above salary when it comes to career satisfaction.The survey found that the following 10 factors were most important for contentment at work:

  1. Easy daily commute
  1. Cool / fun work space
  1. Good work / life balance
  1. Salary
  1. Job security
  1. Work social events
  1. Working alongside inspiring colleagues
  1. Good promotion prospects
  1. Extra holiday
  1. Dress down Friday

The I.M.M. therefore suggest that if you are looking to downsize efficiently, i.e. get the ungrateful lot of money grabbing, whining malcontents that drain your company’s profits off the books may we respectfully suggest the following ‘re-organisation’

  1. Move the office away from public transport and have manager-only parking
  1. Introduce hot desking and ensure plebs, sorry staff, pay for beverages
  1. Ensure overtime is expected at both ends of the day
  1. Make the pay look like the minimum wage is an aspirational target
  1. Introduce zero hours contracts
  1. Hold alcohol and food free events on Friday evenings
  1. Deliver a blame culture which should keep everyone on their toes
  1. Create an office mantra: ‘Suck up or stay down’
  1. Make it known that time off is frowned up and impacts #8
  1. Tell Staff to wear what they are told to wear
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How To Get to the Top in PR….FIFA PR Guru offers obfuscation, befuddlement and discombobulation

Fifa's director of communications Walter 'Big Balls' de Gregorio speaking in Zurich on Wednesday

Fifa’s director of communications Walter ‘Big Balls’ de Gregorio speaking in Zurich on Wednesday

Following the arrests of six senior officials on suspicion of corruption, Fifa’s director of communications Walter de Gregorio gave a press conference on Wednesday morning.

Far from admitting that two criminal investigations into “rampant, systemic, and deep-rooted” corruption were a damning indictment on the organisation or its president, De Gregorio seemed upbeat.

Here are 10 of the most bizarre quotes he gave:

1: In this case, Fifa is the damaged party… it is a difficult moment for us.

2: This for Fifa is good, it’s not good in terms of image, it’s not good in terms of reputation, but in terms of cleaning up this is good.

3: This is good. It confirms we are on the right track… but it hurts.

4: We were as surprised as you guys were.

5: The president [Sepp Blatter] is not involved, but how can you say whatsoever he has to step down. He is the president and in two days there are elections. If the 209 members re-elect him then he is the president for the next four years.

6: First of all [Blatter] is focused on congress, let’s just say the stress factor is a little higher today than yesterday. But he is quite relaxed, he knows and it has been confirmed today that he is not involved.

7: The president is not involved, so how can you say he has to step down? He was not involved.

8: [Blatter]’s not dancing in his office. He’s very calm, he sees what happened, he’s fully cooperative with everybody. He’s not kind of a happy man today and says ‘wow, wow, that’s really cool, what happens here’ but he knows that this is the consequence of what we initiated. It’s a surprise it happened today but it’s not a surprise it happened.

9: Russia and Qatar will be played. That, today, is a fact.

10: [The officials] arrested have not been convicted yet so how can we suspend them?

There are procedures but you can’t expect that at 6am when the attorney general turns up we just suspend them. We’re talking about something that started five hours ago, we’re still finding out information.

To expect now that at such short notice we would suspend people on no evidence.

From the Independent 

Here’s a useful PR tip, if your company ever finds itself mired in accusations, allegations and indictments then replace ‘FIFA’ with your company name and ‘Blatter’ with your CEO’s name and you are sorted.

‘Just Stop F***ing Moaning’ Say Heartless Bosses

The Institute of Mediocre Management are happy to forward this important survey which now has even more relevance since that very nice man Mr George Osborne is now i/c the economy.

The Beezly Street Gazette

In an anonymous survey of over 2000 company directors, “Employees just fucking moaning about their needs and pathetic little lives,” was top of the shit list.

I hate my boss

“People needing their hand holding by their colleagues when they have a major operation really get on my tits,” said one anonymous responder. “If you’re working for me, I hired you AND all of your internal organs. Sitting in the office sobbing on work time is taking the piss,”

“Don’t go crying to HR all the time you bloody mard-arses,” and “A problem shared is a problem doubled” were the overall sentiments in the detailed study, designed to streamline HR departments. The adjustments that the report recommends could save up to eighty million pounds in the next five years.

“The trouble is, everybody wants to moan face to face now, and it wastes a lot of time & creates a huge paper trail. What…

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US Senator Paul Rand to advise Jeremy Hunt NHS think tank?

Senator Rand to advise Health Secretary Hunt on £12 Billion savings plan

Senator Rand to help Health Secretary Hunt save £113 billion ‘wasted’ on NHS

Here at the I.M.M. we are always looking at ways to reduce the top rate of tax for our members. Paul Rand or ‘Plonker’ Rand to his friends has demonstrated his thought leadership qualities by revealing a strategically compelling proposition.

Paul Rand is a Republican Senator who wants to gain the Republican nomination to run for President and has told a Senate Health, Education, and Labour Committee meeting that the right to health care is actually a form of slavery. He said:

With regard to the idea of whether or not you have a right to health care, you have to realise what that implies. It is not an abstraction. I am a physician, that means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me.

It means you believe in slavery. It means that you are going to enslave not only me but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses.

If you have a right to their services basically once you imply a belief and a right to someone’s services, do you have a right to plumbing, do you have a right to water, do you have a right to food, you are basically saying that you believe in slavery. You are saying you believe in taking and extracting from another person.

We will be asking the the Rt Honourable Jeremy Hunt M.P. T.W.A.T to consider shelving the whole NHS malarkey in favour of private health care. Anyone that matters has got this care in place so it won’t be an imposition at all. Top rate of tax would now fall to the square root of bugger all so its win-win.

I’m off now to hunt peasants or pheasants, can’t tell the difference after a few G&T’s, so have a wonderful weekend.

How to Get To The Top…….in Wall Street

A pack of

A pack of “wolves” invade Wall Street as a promotion for the Blu-Ray release of The Wolf of Wall Street.
IMAGE: DIANE BONDAREFF/INVISION FOR PARAMOUNT PICTURES/ASSOCIATED PRESS

A new report suggests that instilling ethics in Wall Street may be as hard as teaching an old dog new tricks.

Years after a worldwide financial crisis battered the industry, bankers continue to engage in much of the same unethical conduct that helped trigger the meltdown, a survey of financial professionals in the United States and the United Kingdom finds.

In the wake of the collapse, Congress passed the Dodd Frank Act in 2010, a bundle of sweeping financial reforms billed as the biggest overhaul of banking rules since the Great Depression. Firms committed to rein in the industry’s Wild West culture, and regulatory agencies vowed to double down on fraud.

But the latest survey, conducted by Notre Dame and Labaton Sucharow, a New York law firm known for protecting financial whistleblowers, indicates that the financial sector may be increasingly reverting to old habits.

Nearly a quarter of the 1,200 financial workers surveyed said they suspected their colleagues had engaged in unethical or illegal activity Nearly a quarter of the 1,200 financial workers surveyed said they suspected their colleagues had engaged in unethical or illegal activity in order to get an edge in the market. That’s nearly double the number that a similar survey reported in 2012.

Additionally, nearly 50% said their rivals had likely cheated to get ahead, and about one in five said that breaking the rules is necessary for success in the hyper-competitive industry. Both figures represent a significant jump from three years ago.

Each of these stats is slightly higher among those with salaries of half a million dollars or more, implying that wrongdoing may proliferate as Wall Street’s workers gain more pay and experience.

What’s more is that workers who speak out about ethical breaches may face consequences, according to the survey. One fifth of those polled said that they would fear retaliation from their firms if they reported issues to regulators.

“When corporate whistleblowers are prohibited, discouraged or retaliated against for reporting crime to cops, we should all be scared—very scared,” Jordan Thomas, a Labatan partner who co-authored the report said in a statement.

The troubling backslide in attitudes towards ethics shows that more reform is still needed to achieve a real change in industry culture, according to co-author Ann Tenbrunsel, business ethics professor at the Mendoza College of Business.

“Despite significant energy and efforts, it appears we need to continue to think about how to improve the culture of ethics in the financial services industry,” Tenbrunsel said.

Source: Patrick Kulp, Mashable

CEO pay was up yet again last year

Message to UK CEOs from the Institute of Mediocre Management. Come on get with the program (its a U.S. report so its spelled correctly) and see if we can’t deliver ourselves higher rises than this in 2015. How? Re-organise, Re-Size and Accounts massaging, you know the drill. Winner gets to sit next to Rt Hon DC at our next awards dinner!

‘The Inside Story Of Our Body’s Most Underrated Organ’ is a bestseller…..

Wrong! Wrong Wrong!

Wrong! Wrong Wrong!

From i100 independent.co.uk

A new book about the gut that has sold more than a million copies in Germany would make ideal loo reading, had it not included a chapter about the problem of sitting down to defecate.

We did not evolve to linger on porcelain thrones, you see, and in those countries where squatting remains normal, colons and their owners are demonstrably happier.

“There is a muscle that encircles the gut like a lasso when we are sitting… creating a kink in the tube,” Giulia Enders explains in Gut: The Inside Story of Our Body’s Most Underrated Organ.

She calls the mechanism “an extra insurance policy and cites studies showing that squatters, with their unkinked guts, are less susceptible to haemorrhoids and constipation.

Enders first got noticed – and a book deal – after a self-assured turn at a science slam in Berlin three years ago. Her 10-minute lecture went viral on YouTube, and now, weeks after completing her final exams as a doctoral student, she is a publishing sensation. Her book, called Darm Mit Charme (“Charming Bowels”) in Germany, has sold more than 1.3 million copies since it came out last year. Rights have been sold to dozens of countries including the US, and her UK publisher ordered thousands more copies last week, days after the book went on sale.

The German’s way into the gut is a lightness that some reviewers have found too childish or lacking in scientific rigour to be taken seriously. But there is something compelling and refreshing about her curiosity and popular approach. “When I read the research, I think: Why don’t people know about this – why am I reading about it in some paper or specialist magazine? It’s ridiculous because everyone has to deal with it on a daily basis. I want to transport that feeling I had to more people.”

‘Gut: The Inside Story Of Our Body’s Most Underrated Organ’ by Giulia Enders (Scribe, £14.99) is out now

And the point is?

If you want to be the writer of a best selling book

Sh*t sells

There’s hope for all of us then! Happy writing!

Prime Minister David Cameron to crack down on the Workers

Cameron IMM

David Cameron is going to tell his National Security Council this as he announces plans to crack down on workers (colleagues, staff etc).

According to a briefing, Cameron is expected to say:

 For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens: as long as you obey the law, we  will leave you alone. It’s often meant we have stood neutral between different values. And that’s helped foster a narrative of extremism and grievance. This Government will conclusively turn the page on this failed approach.

He will say Thought Leaders believe in “certain values”, adding: “To belong to a Company is to believe in these things. And it means confronting head-on the poisonous socialist extremist ideology. Whether they are violent in their means or not, we must make it impossible for the Unions to succeed.”

It’s expected Cameron will introduce a counter-workers bill in his Queen’s Speech later in May. Planned measures include introducing new orders to ban staff councils and restrict people who seek to radicalise apprentices and interns via inductions and ‘showing them around’.

The new package is expected to include:

The introduction of banning orders for organisations who stand up for workers rights in public places, but whose activities fall short of proscription.

New Disruption Orders to restrict people who seek to restrict Thought Leaders’ pay and conditions packages;

Powers to close staff restaurants and sports clubs where left leaning staff may seek to influence others;

Strengthening the powers of the Charity Commission to root out charities who misappropriate funds towards the poor, sick and other malingerers;

Further immigration restrictions on extremists i.e people who can’t buy a house for at least a £1million;

A strengthened role for Ofcom to take action against channels which broadcast extremist content such as HIGNFY.