It’s Friday so DOSS to your Boss. (i.e be Deferential, Obsequious, Sycophantic and Subservient)

As its Friday, here at the I.M.M. , our Head of Human Exploitation, Dr Hiram N Sackem, thought that your workers could do with a little cheering up – we’re not all ogres here at the Institute! The obvious caveat being these should be enjoyed in their leisure time not whilst working at your coal face.

2nd Place Awesome  Exercise  Star Wars Stars Teamwork

Going Home

Source: #demotivationalposters and @ThePoke

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Sleeping is for Wimps! Man up says the IMM and smell the Coffee

Here at the Institute of Mediocre Management we pride ourselves on our policy of looking after our esteemed members holistically. Not only do we want to see our colleagues do well fiscally but also we want to ensure their mental and physical well-being. After all, IMM members are the Elite, The Head Honchos, Those Who Shall Be Obeyed and therefore without them leading our World, it would cease to function in the way it does today.

An infographic is currently circulating showing how the top business people and politicians manage their sleep patterns and it’s clear that there is a wide differential in the amount of sleep taken.

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU REALLY NEED?

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU REALLY NEED?

The IMM’s Medical team investigated this research and discovered that those who get enough sleep are more likely to have better mental health and are less likely to be overweight, develop high blood pressure, raised cholesterol and Type 2 diabetes.

But they also discovered that if you cut sleep back to less than five hours a night for several days in a row, then your short-term and long-term memory, ability to focus, decision-making capacity, number processing, cognitive speed, and spatial orientation all start to suffer.

When I ran Widget European Enterprises , I personally introduced a corporate culture based around Sleep Deprivation and it didn’t hurt us a bit, apart from the litigation and the bankruptcy. It was a unique concept, which worked extremely well for W.E.E. as the resulting high turnover of junior executives, mainly from mental and physical breakdowns, allowed us to keep wages down and therefore increase profits.

Here is some of the guidance we gave to our up and coming leaders:

  • An ambitious manager should manage at least an 100-hour work week
  • Sleep should be restricted to less than five hours per night, so employees can be on call for longer.
  • Employees’ phones should be on at all times and answered at all times.
  • When you signed up, the small print advised that W.E.E. own you. Get used to it.
  • Stay Awake! Drink at least 10 cups of coffee a day! Snoozing is for Wimps!

For us, of course, the Numero Uno Executive Leaders, long days are not an issue. How else can we utilise our expense accounts? So we tend to burn the candle at both ends, with early breakfast meetings and dinners that run late, for days and days. And if like me you can’t get to sleep without some wind-down time in a lap dancing club then you may not doze off until 2 in the morning. Which can mean an average four hours of sleep a night for four or five days.

The IMM Medical team advises that Executives running this kind of schedule develop the same level of cognitive impairment as if they’d been awake for 24 hours, equivalent to legal drunkenness, and like a drunk, a person who is sleep deprived has no idea how functionally impaired he or she truly is. The results are obvious. Senior Executives may get angry at employees, make unsound decisions that affect the future of their companies, and give muddled presentations before their colleagues, customers, the press, or shareholders and generally offer bugger all value to anyone.

So no change there and no-one will notice any behavioural changes at all if we, the Masters of The Mediocre, have 4 hours or 10 hours sleep, so it’s BAU: Keep Calm and Carry On Oppressing the Masses.

Motivational Posters that Make You Smile and Think

The Institute of Mediocre Management are now offering these fantastic posters at our online shop.  There is a 25% discount for members. So Join Now! See tab for details

Motivational posters

These Werner Herzog motivational posters will make you feel suitably misanthropic – News – Films – The Independent.

Stephen Green, ex HSBC boss: Author of two books on fiscal morality

Stephen Green, ex HSBC wrote two books on fiscal morality

Lord Stephen Green, the Head of HSBC during the dark years of tax avoidance and evasion, is currently reluctant to talk to the press about his then tenure at the bank. In those days, he was not at all reluctant to share his views on the moral and ethical questions facing the banking industry. He was not only a Banker but also the Author of ‘Good Value’ and ‘Serving God? Serving Mammon?’ I assume Mr Mammon was a Tax Evader.

stephen green book1stephen green book2

‘Good Value’ book review: With bank bailouts and executive bonuses in the headlines, it’s hard to find the connection between banking and ethics.

But it’s an argument that Stephen Green, chairman of HSBC — one of the biggest banks in the world — makes in his new book about banking: Good Value: Reflections on Money, Morality and an Uncertain World.

Green is also an ordained priest in the Church of England. In his book, he proposes a “new capitalism” that brings good business and good ethics together. He says moral and spiritual values should take precedence over immediate profit

Further titles in the series will include:

Pope Francis: Atheists May Have a Point

David Cameron: Tips and Tricks when Shopping at Lidl

Nigel Farage: The Economic Benefits of Further Mass Immigration

HSBC Tax Avoidance – Urgent News for IMM Members

HSBC Tax Avoidance – Urgent News for IMM Members

As no doubt you are aware the Institute of Mediocre Management’s bankers, HSBC, are in the press accused of manifest skullduggery. The left wing socialist media outlet, the BBC, has accused the bank of ‘ helping wealthy clients across the world evade hundreds of millions of pounds worth of tax’. Leaked documents reveal details of almost 7,000 British clients where many of the accounts were not declared to the taxman.

We’ve had a quick check on our membership files and compared these to the 7,000 names and quite a few of you are on this list. So you’ll need your people and in particular the bean counters, to step up to the plate and prove they are worthy of the phenomenal salaries you pay them and help get this mess sorted out.

Stephen Green our financial advisor

STEPHEN ‘Nothing to do with me, I was just the Boss’ GREEN

The IMM’s Chief financial advisor The Hon Lord Stephen Green, Grand Vizier of Zurich and Esteemed Holder of the Golden Toblerone is unfortunately indisposed and not taking calls. However his assistant George Osborne will hopefully be available on the help line later on.

In the meantime the IMM suggest the following actions be taken.

[1] Write to your MP denying everything and pointing out that if the rich pay taxes the leadership of this country will depart to safer tax havens than the UK. And you might mention that evading taxes and fiddling expenses are errors of judgement rather than criminal offences.

[2] Point out to HMRC and the Government that they should be concentrating on the £2.6 billion of fraud and overpayments in the benefits system. These people are not important and do not contribute to the economy unlike us.

BENEFIT FRAUD IS THE BIG ISSUE, OBVIOUSLY

BENEFIT FRAUD IS THE BIG ISSUE, OBVIOUSLY

[3] Get over to Switzerland ASAP with a large suitcase and get your money out in cash. Then post the suitcase from there to a young relative and mark the customs documentation ‘Mega Monopoly Set’. Even if opened this should still get through. If not, the worst a minor will get for money laundering is an ice cream ban and the naughty step.

There is though a silver lining. The bank now faces criminal investigations in the US, France, Belgium and Argentina. But in the UK, where the bank is based, no such action has been taken. Also although the HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) was given the leaked data in 2010 it has only identified 1,100 people who had not paid their taxes and almost five years later, only one tax evader has been prosecuted.

So, chop chop and on with the actions assigned. Fear not the Institute will continue to fight on behalf of all Mediocre Management and we will be holding our usual Tax Avoidance Tuesday gathering next week.

Now This Is Snow Removal . . . Canadian Style

From Institute of Mediocre Management Rail Committee: Memo to Network rail and Train Operators after next blizzard [definition blizzard (uk only). noun, a fall of snow greater than 1cm but less than 3cm]. You do not have to cancel train services, they actually can run in the white stuff. And tip to help with overcrowding, note length of this train.

JONATHAN TURLEY

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 9.45.09 AMMy family in Chicago has been walloped by snow so I thought that I would share the video below to offer some guidance at snow removal.

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10 Reasons Why You Should Never Feed Your Children

A few years ago in the UK, a single report written by a discredited doctor and publicised by irresponsible reporting by a sensationalist press, linked MMR vaccinations with Autism despite all research prior and post this event clearly showing no link whatsoever. Sadly in the UK there was a resurgence of the disease with children made seriously ill and in some cases dying.

Unfortunately there will always be a hard core of ‘parents’ who will ignore reason and think that they know better (they probably also carry loaded handguns with the safety off in their kids schoolbags). But its just possible that List of X might just prick their self important smugness and get them to see sense….or it might not but it was a very funny blog anyway.

List of X

The government is meddling too much in our private lives and bullying us around with their food pyramid scheme. What ever happened to that thing called "freedom"? Image source: momdishesitout.com The government is meddling way too much in our private lives and bullying us around with their food pyramid scheme. What ever happened to that thing called “freedom”?
Image source: momdishesitout.com

Recently, about 100 children became infected with measles in an outbreak, and everyone has been quick to blame the parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. However, I think that the vaccine skeptics’ arguments make perfect sense. I just don’t think that we should be limiting these arguments only to vaccines, and if we’re really serious about keeping our children safe, we should treat even the seemingly innocent things like food with the same amount of healthy skepticism. Here are 10 reasons why you as a parent should never give your children any food.

1)  Food has some scary side effects, and hundreds of people die of food poisoning every year.

2)  There is an established link between food and autism, because 99.95%…

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