Monthly Archives: March 2015

Lies, Damned Lies and CV’s

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CV lies

CV fabrications are increasing, according to an analysis from the Risk Advisory Group.

The employment screening company, looked at more than 3,000 CVs and found 63 per cent contained “discrepancies”. That’s a rise of more than 15 per cent compared to a decade ago.

Logically this means that assuming only a few get caught, most people are lying on their CVs. The problem is then that if you are honest, upstanding and correct and you don’t falsify your resume, you are likely to be at a significant disadvantage when it comes to who is going to be chosen for interview. Mind you it does go a long way to explain why there are so many plonkers in senior positions in the workplace today……..

Anyway don’t try any of these fraudulent scenarios below as you may get caught…..

(1) A senior compliance applicant creating a fictional employment history to cover up past misdemeanours involving time served in prison for stealing client money

(2) A candidate building a website for a fictional school and arranging for a virtual office to answer calls acting as the school, all to create an inflated academic background in a desperate bid to secure a work experience placement with a leading bank

(3) A candidate creating a work history overseas to cover up the time he spent in prison for drug offences

(4) Candidates forging degree certificates

(5) Candidates presenting degrees from bogus universities in India, Pakistan and, increasingly, the UAE

(6) An elaborate tale of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro despite the candidate claiming to have been bedridden and unable to complete their A Levels at the time

(7) An intern claiming to be a senior analyst

(8) A BA exaggerated to a Masters degree

(9) Doctoring a friend’s degree certificate and passing if off as their own

11 Things You Should Not Do At Work

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Now that Jeremy Clarkson has been given the heave-ho from Top Gear for thumping an underling we thought it would be useful to highlight other things that you might do that could prevent your rise to the top of the tree. If you are at the top of the tree read no further as all of this if perfectly acceptable

 1.  Be cocky to your boss or co-workers

Ask yourself am I coming over as confident or as a plonker? Its a fine line and often crossed. Watch the eyes of the person you’re talking too and if they are looking over your shoulder then it’s the latter.

 2.  Be Invisible

So you’re keeping your head under the parapet? Fine but when the promotion comes Mr. Cocky wins ‘cos you’ve not been seen.

3.  Join the office clique

You know why these guys hang out together? It’s because no-one else likes them and now you’re about to become deeply unpopular as well.

4.  Snog a colleague

Office romance is deeply boring, irritating and embarrassing to your co-workers and your boss. If you fancy someone and they reciprocate do it your own time and outside the office please.

5.  Bang on about ‘Me Me Me’

Actually no-one is interested about your skydiving weekend, your holiday in a lovely little boutique hotel where there were absolutely no tourists or your cute little cat/dog, especially if you’re about to whip out the smart phone and show pictures of any of this. This is the only time when Rule (2) applies)

6.  Be Bossy

Think about, when have you ever done something well and willingly just after you have been shouted at? Much better to ask nicely and it will probably get done. If it doesn’t then you can always shaft them later by informing their boss

7.  Being laid back has its limits

Bare feet on a desk watching TV is not ok at work even if it is in your lunch break. Neither is wearing stuff to work that would look great on the beach. Its always better to overdress than underdress and then behave like you would at your in-laws rather than how you would at a rave.

8.  Be duplicitous

Tell your Boss it how it is, not how you think it should have been. By all means blame others but in a positive, caring way i.e. give feedback. Same result, you get off the hook and they can’t complain about it because its for their own good

9: Googling and Social Media at work

If people see you on the internet doing stuff you shouldn’t be doing then they think you’re a loser. Obviously they would do the same but its called negative perceptive blindness to their own faults, which they then guilt transfer to you. Also note that it is a proven paradigm that your boss will always catch you surfing the net when they have a task they are looking to offload.

10. Grumble 

Yes we all agree, your job is not the most exciting and fulfilling thing in your life, your boss/company/working hours are awful, commuting sucks, your social life is rubbish, and your partner doesn’t understand you. So what’s new? Look around, everyone else has the same issues so get over it. Do not by way of a change though start to do a Rule (4). Just accept your lot and do the lottery, it may all change.

11. Compile lists of things you should not do at work at your desk

My boss has just told me that……

Boss marks email ‘urgent,’ CC’s entire office asking for ETA on never-before-introduced project

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This is a very salutary lesson for all I.M.M. member managers. I am reblogging an important use case from the U.S. where quite obviously the Boss was using telepathy to communicate a project’s details and none of the employees were tuned in. So whose fault was this? The I.M.M. can offer employee telepathy lessons for members and I hope Mount Allison University H.R will be in contact shortly.

The 10 Most Irritating Office Habits

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A recent poll has shown that workers are not the happy bunnies they should be as their colleagues seem to wind them up daily. On careful inspection the ‘bad’ habits seem to reflect the usual behaviour of Management which goes someway to explain why bosses are not as loved as they think they should be.

Don't you just love Mondays

                                                       Don’t you just love Mondays

Here are the 10 things men hate the most at work:

1. Messy desk (74%)

2. Colleagues spraying perfume/aftershave (66%)

3. Talking on the phone too loud (47%)

4. Being late (40%)

5. Taking too long at lunch (35%)

6. Eating smelly food (29%)

7. Too many cigarette breaks (28%)

8. Colleagues talking too much (22%)

9. Not being organised (11%)

10. Rudeness (9%)

Here are the 10 things women hate the most at work:

1. Eating smelly food (82%)

2. Being late (67%)

3. Too many cigarette breaks (51%)

4. Bad hygiene (34%)

5. Not being organised (33%)

6. Messy desk (29%)

7. Colleagues borrowing stationery and not returning it (25%)

8. Talking on the phone too loud (23%)

9. Taking too long at lunch (17%)

10. Dressing inappropriately (10%)

Source: Nicoccino

Jeremy Clarkson, The Facts behind the Fracas at the BBC’s Top Gear TV Show

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Jesse is told to sit on the Naughty Step until he behaves himself

                      Jezza is told to sit on the Naughty Step until he behaves himself

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended by the BBC from Top Gear following a “fracas” with one of the show’s producers. Allegedly Clarkson had been involved in a row over catering while filming on location in Hawes, North Yorkshire.

Many people may well be asking what exactly is a ‘fracas’. Well it has various meanings:

Altercation, Brawl, Brouhaha, Feud, Flap, Melee, Quarrel, Riot, Scuffle, Squabble, Tumult, Uproar, Affray, Battle, Broil, Dispute, Hassle, Row, Ruction, Ruffle, Rumpus, Run-in, Scrimmage, Set-to, Stew, Trouble, Battle-royal

As you can see a ‘fracas’ ranges from an attack with a small but significant weapon of mass destruction down to a finger wagging telling off. So poor old Jeremy will have to wait and see whether he gets 6 months in the Clink or 60 minutes on the Naughty Step.

However all may not be lost for Jezza. A Change.org petition, aiming to reverse the BBC Top Gear decision, was started on 10 March by blogger Guido Fawkes. The petition had been signed by over 800,000 people by the 13th March and looks like hitting a million votes at least, by the weekend.

Its interesting to conjecture though that if Jennifer (yes that’s another of his monikers) had been a Tory MP (he thought about it) or a Banker (he’s rich enough) or a Baron (JC is a member of the Chipping Norton Set) then there may not have been so much sympathy from the general public with headlines such as:

‘MP Pummels Researcher’

‘Banker Wallops Intern’

‘Baron Bashes Servant’

So what can we all learn from this:

Its widely alleged that Jeremy Clarkson is a self-centered, thoughtless, arrogant bully but with a twinkle in his eye and a penchant for speaking to the heart of the common man. These are all very useful traits if you seek riches and power.  We can learn many a lesson from the PetrolHeadMeister and this blog will follow his continuing career after the BBC Top Gear Fracas blows over, with great interest as he gets to the top without working too hard.

Breaking News……

Jeremy will hopefully be a guest speaker at the Institute of Mediocre Management later this year. His topic will be:

There are more important things to worry about than what some balding and irrelevant middle-aged man might have said on a crappy BBC2 motoring show.” (Jezza –Sunday Times 2008)

 

Bankers’ Bonuses Explained

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PROFIT FALL + NAUGHTY STEP = BIG BONUS

PROFIT FALL + SIT ON THE NAUGHTY STEP = BIG BONUS

Last week, Barclays reported a 21% fall in 2014 pre-tax profits to £2.26bn.

AND

The bank also increased its provision to cover any fallout from a probe into currency market manipulation by £750m to £1.25bn.

SO

Boss Antony Jenkins was awarded a £1.1m bonus – his first as chief executive.

(source BBC News)

Middle-aged businessmen are winning amateur cycling races on EPO

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The Institute Of Mediocre Management are withdrawing their sponsorship from the IMM Budgie-Smuggers Cycling team who have been found guilty of using excessive amounts of EPO to win at any cost. The IMM of course support the use of EPA (Executive Pay Awards) to gain a significant advantage by being able to afford really expensive bikes.

Last Year's Winner of the Tour De CEO

Last Year’s Winner of the Tour De CEO

10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard

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1. Quantity kills quality

2. Sleep matters

3. You suck when it counts

4. Your mood is a buzzkill

5. Your judgment is impaired

6. You’re setting a bad example

7. There will always be more work

8. You’re hurting your relationships

9. You’re screwing up your health

10. Most of the work is less important than you think

From: 10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard | Inc.com.