Tag Archives: Humor

How To Really Irritate Your Colleagues

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Our future Business Leaders gather for an away day strategy retreat

According to recent research there are a number of phrases that irritate the hell out of the majority of normal people. Further research suggests that around half of the people who use these phrases are the usual Office Plonkers whilst the other half are Office Plonker Baiters.

These OFBs are our leaders of the future who are showing the early signs of being irritating, irresponsible and invidious – the 3i’s of middle, menial and mediocre management that eventual develop into a full blown 3M management strategy (Me, Me, Me).

We are here of course to help out people from ‘C’ level all the way down to the lower level Mediocre Management tiers so here are a few phrases, for those aspiring to manage, that will curdle the brains of your colleagues and will help pass a long winter afternoon or enliven a meeting.

Phrases guaranteed to irritate your colleagues:

  • Can I borrow you for a sec? (13%)
  • How long is a piece of string? (11%)
  • Think outside the box (11%)
  • Teamwork, dreamwork (11%)
  • Keep me in the loop (9%)
  • Win-win (9%)
  • Pick your brains (8%)
  • I’m stacked (8%)
  • Blue sky thinking (8%)
  • Just playing devil’s advocate (8%)

However a word of warning never the use the phrases listed below as these are only used by Office Plonkers. OPs spouting cliches are to be kept well clear of as they will drain the very life force from your caffeine addicted persona and leave it as a moist patch on the office carpet to be trampled on by all who pass you by.

Irritating online expressions people say in the workplace

  • OMG (26%)
  • LOL (19%)
  • FYI (12%)
  • Epic fail (10%)
  • Cringe (8%)
  • Swag (6%)
  • YOLO (5%)
  • On point / on fleek (4%)
  • For the win (4%)
  • That’s cray (3%)

If cornered the best thing to ask an OP for is an ‘Enhanced Assessment Methodology’ implying that it was a request from their line manager’s manager.

screen-shot-2016-10-07-at-15-41-59

(c) Scott Adams

 

 

Mediocrity is good enough says Top Business Executive

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We are delighted to welcome as our Guest post author, Sir Sebastian Littlecock-Dumpling, Chairman of Advanced Diesel Software Technology Ltd who is on the Institute’s management committee looking after Environmental issues. Littlecock-Dumpling has held senior executive positions with Ratners, Barings Bank and Enron. Over to you Seb!

Dear Directors, Leaders and any of the lower classes tuning in.

One was really awfully pleased to be able to scribe a few lines for this august publication. My daughter, Hortense, informed me that this was a ‘blogg’, when asked to explain she Instawotmessaged me or something so I still have no ruddy idea what a ‘blogg’ is. Anyway here’s a short speech – can you hear me at the back? (smiling face type icon!).

My topic today is Mediocrity, derived from the Latin mediocritatem ‘a middle state’. That is, neither up nor down, cutting edge or down the pan. This is a much maligned word in business today but probably the most effective company state if one is trying to be rich and successful and doing as little work as possible. And I can’t imagine why one shouldn’t want to follow this path.

Very rich and successful actor gets it!

A very rich and successful actor gets it!

Post Will Smith’s After Earth sci-fi blockbuster which was one of the top Mediocre Movies of all time, Will was quoted as saying

“I completely released the concept of goal-orientation and got into path-orientation – this moment, this second, these people, this interaction”

Marvellous! It’s the perfect example of rearranging reality to fit the moment. Ergo you can be right all of the time if you want to be and if you are a Boss you always need to be.

I remember back in the nineties when I was looking after some techie stuff for Amalgamated I.T.,  a computer geek chappy came to see me about selling some software to us. I remember him well, no tie, scruffy hair and jeans – I thought he was the window cleaner. He was called Lawrence, or Laurie Page, I can’t quite remember. He said would I like to by his Goggle (?) search engine software for $100,000!! Hah I countered, not while my trusty Yellow Pages tome is to hand. Now, I said, be gone scruffy and learn some respect for your elders and obvious betters!

Apparently his company has done quite well since then but I saved A.S. plc a lot of money and my bonus was pretty good that year. So from a Mediocre point of view – i.e. Never risk the next bonus – I was of course absolutely right!

Now one can go even further back in the annals of economic history to a splendid old geezer called John Stuart Mill who was an English philosopher, political economist and civil servant.  One of his more famous quotations was:

JSMill

Many business leaders, you know the sort; risk taking, ducking and diving, you can have it all if you work hard type, believe the quote actually promotes excellence. They may of course be right but as 99% of all businesses fail eventually, it’s safer, as we the mediocre elite know, to take the quote on face value.

So you splendid people, how can you ensure that your company becomes or remains mediocre enabling you to have a light hand on the tiller, little work but a large salary with lots of executive perks?

Here’s a ‘What to Do’ PowerPoint slide, the communication tool of preference, for those of us who proudly wave the flag of average, adequate, middling, mainstream, passable, uninspired and indifferent management and thus lead the great corporations of the world.

IMM1

Than you for your time and off course do look me up on NoProles.com and let my people know you’d like a word.

Sir Seb

Stop press: Since this blog was posted Advanced Diesel Software Technology Ltd has gone into liquidation and Sir Sebastian is currently taking a short holiday in Bolivia where there is, co-incidently, no bilateral extradition treaty

 

Executive Pay v Company Performance? More Pay = Less profit

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Performance for Pay? The Relation Between CEO Incentive Compensation and Future Stock Price Performance

Research* last year clearly showed that there is clear evidence that Chief Executive Officer (CEO) pay is negatively related to future stock returns for periods up to three years after sorting on pay. For example, firms that pay their CEOs in the top ten percent of excess pay earn negative abnormal returns over the next three years of approximately -8%. The effect is stronger for CEOs who receive higher incentive pay relative to their peers and stronger for CEOs with greater tenure. Our results appear to be driven by high-pay related CEO overconfidence that leads to shareholder wealth losses from activities such as over investment and value-destroying mergers and acquisitions.

And in September we had two excellent examples of this with our two mediocre managers of the month being both overpaid and incompetent.

VW and glencore

Our Membership Director at the Institute of Mediocre Management has asked me to reach out to other ‘C’ level executives who are also overpaid and out of their depth and who might needed friendly club where they can share their experiences with other like-minded buffoons.  We have a lot of Bankers as you would expect and good representation from the construction and telephone sales industries and of course a couple of ‘charities’ but all are welcome. You need to have a pathological fear of Mr Corbyn, an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance and abilities, and also proof of significant tax avoidance. The latter is important so that if you ever ‘show and tell’ so will we (smiley face).

Do remember also that most Management Gurus such as dear Dickie Branson, Big Al Sugar and that plonker on Dragon’s Den tell us all that to succeed you need to fail first and then learn from that. Here at the I.M.M. we have many of the world’s leading business failures and most have never tasted success but it will surely come. However they continue to invest millions of investor’s money into their madcap schemes hoping that the law of averages will work to their favour.

So if your current package is gross, your litany of bankruptcies immense and your ego colossal then join us now at the I.M.M. Because you’re worth it!

*Michael J. Cooper, University of Utah – David Eccles School of Business, Huseyin Gulen
Purdue University – Krannert School of Management, P. Raghavendra Rau
University of Cambridge

How to feel happier……

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happy emoji

It is possible to feel slightly happier every day – for free. That’s according to Dr Teresa Belton, an education expert and the author of Happier People Healthier Planet

1. List five things for which you are grateful – whether big things or small

“For example I live in a country where there’s easy access to clean, running water; I can read and write; it was good to see the shop assistant’s smile this morning; I just caught the post with my urgent letter. Doing this every week for ten weeks has a real effect: research has shown that this practice results in lasting, measurable increases in wellbeing, as it gets us into the habit of seeing our life through a positive lens.”

2. Give stuff away

“Creating space by de-cluttering relieves stress and gives us a feeling of lightness; giving away possessions, donating them to charity, rather than selling them, is a form of generosity and being generous makes us feel good. Look through your belongings and get rid of things that you just don’t use.”

3. Go for a walk in woods or fields, or visit your local park

“Time spent in green surroundings has been shown time and again to be calming and restorative. Even a green view is beneficial. If you can’t see any trees or shrubs from your window buy some plants for indoors.”

4. Invite someone to tea

“Or offer to help your neighbour with their garden, leaking pipe, shopping, etc.; take up regular voluntary work. Social connectedness, a sense of community, feeling needed, and making a positive difference in the world all contribute a great deal to our own satisfaction with life.”

5. Get stuck into something

“Active engagement is a major factor in personal wellbeing and if you really enjoy your chosen activity and it stretches you a bit you will lose yourself in it and experience a wonderful sense of “flow”, forgetting about yourself in solo endeavours and feeling closer ties to others in collaborative ones.”

6. Fix a time and ring a friend for a good long chat

“People who have a number of friends with whom they can discuss things that are important to them are much happier than those who can’t or don’t. Having cordial relationships, whether with family, friends, neighbours, colleagues or fleeting acquaintances, is fundamental to personal wellbeing.”

7. Be playful

“Playfulness brings new possibilities, creativity, practical solutions, aesthetic pleasure, interest, new skills and achievement.”

8. Take charge

“Make a decision or take an action you have been putting off. Feeling in control of one’s life and being proactive is important for subjective wellbeing.”

9. Get physical

“Physical activity gets us out of our heads and generates endorphins which make us feel good; dig the garden, cycle, walk or dance.”

10: Give this list a try..

But if this doesn’t work, Professor Gotta Listovten suggests applying to the University of Life and taking a degree in the Bleedin’ Obvious and then have another go.

Next week….10 ways to become Super Rich (for a copy please send £1000 to address below)

11 Things You Should Not Do At Work

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Now that Jeremy Clarkson has been given the heave-ho from Top Gear for thumping an underling we thought it would be useful to highlight other things that you might do that could prevent your rise to the top of the tree. If you are at the top of the tree read no further as all of this if perfectly acceptable

 1.  Be cocky to your boss or co-workers

Ask yourself am I coming over as confident or as a plonker? Its a fine line and often crossed. Watch the eyes of the person you’re talking too and if they are looking over your shoulder then it’s the latter.

 2.  Be Invisible

So you’re keeping your head under the parapet? Fine but when the promotion comes Mr. Cocky wins ‘cos you’ve not been seen.

3.  Join the office clique

You know why these guys hang out together? It’s because no-one else likes them and now you’re about to become deeply unpopular as well.

4.  Snog a colleague

Office romance is deeply boring, irritating and embarrassing to your co-workers and your boss. If you fancy someone and they reciprocate do it your own time and outside the office please.

5.  Bang on about ‘Me Me Me’

Actually no-one is interested about your skydiving weekend, your holiday in a lovely little boutique hotel where there were absolutely no tourists or your cute little cat/dog, especially if you’re about to whip out the smart phone and show pictures of any of this. This is the only time when Rule (2) applies)

6.  Be Bossy

Think about, when have you ever done something well and willingly just after you have been shouted at? Much better to ask nicely and it will probably get done. If it doesn’t then you can always shaft them later by informing their boss

7.  Being laid back has its limits

Bare feet on a desk watching TV is not ok at work even if it is in your lunch break. Neither is wearing stuff to work that would look great on the beach. Its always better to overdress than underdress and then behave like you would at your in-laws rather than how you would at a rave.

8.  Be duplicitous

Tell your Boss it how it is, not how you think it should have been. By all means blame others but in a positive, caring way i.e. give feedback. Same result, you get off the hook and they can’t complain about it because its for their own good

9: Googling and Social Media at work

If people see you on the internet doing stuff you shouldn’t be doing then they think you’re a loser. Obviously they would do the same but its called negative perceptive blindness to their own faults, which they then guilt transfer to you. Also note that it is a proven paradigm that your boss will always catch you surfing the net when they have a task they are looking to offload.

10. Grumble 

Yes we all agree, your job is not the most exciting and fulfilling thing in your life, your boss/company/working hours are awful, commuting sucks, your social life is rubbish, and your partner doesn’t understand you. So what’s new? Look around, everyone else has the same issues so get over it. Do not by way of a change though start to do a Rule (4). Just accept your lot and do the lottery, it may all change.

11. Compile lists of things you should not do at work at your desk

My boss has just told me that……

The 10 Most Irritating Office Habits

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A recent poll has shown that workers are not the happy bunnies they should be as their colleagues seem to wind them up daily. On careful inspection the ‘bad’ habits seem to reflect the usual behaviour of Management which goes someway to explain why bosses are not as loved as they think they should be.

Don't you just love Mondays

                                                       Don’t you just love Mondays

Here are the 10 things men hate the most at work:

1. Messy desk (74%)

2. Colleagues spraying perfume/aftershave (66%)

3. Talking on the phone too loud (47%)

4. Being late (40%)

5. Taking too long at lunch (35%)

6. Eating smelly food (29%)

7. Too many cigarette breaks (28%)

8. Colleagues talking too much (22%)

9. Not being organised (11%)

10. Rudeness (9%)

Here are the 10 things women hate the most at work:

1. Eating smelly food (82%)

2. Being late (67%)

3. Too many cigarette breaks (51%)

4. Bad hygiene (34%)

5. Not being organised (33%)

6. Messy desk (29%)

7. Colleagues borrowing stationery and not returning it (25%)

8. Talking on the phone too loud (23%)

9. Taking too long at lunch (17%)

10. Dressing inappropriately (10%)

Source: Nicoccino

Jeremy Clarkson, The Facts behind the Fracas at the BBC’s Top Gear TV Show

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Jesse is told to sit on the Naughty Step until he behaves himself

                      Jezza is told to sit on the Naughty Step until he behaves himself

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended by the BBC from Top Gear following a “fracas” with one of the show’s producers. Allegedly Clarkson had been involved in a row over catering while filming on location in Hawes, North Yorkshire.

Many people may well be asking what exactly is a ‘fracas’. Well it has various meanings:

Altercation, Brawl, Brouhaha, Feud, Flap, Melee, Quarrel, Riot, Scuffle, Squabble, Tumult, Uproar, Affray, Battle, Broil, Dispute, Hassle, Row, Ruction, Ruffle, Rumpus, Run-in, Scrimmage, Set-to, Stew, Trouble, Battle-royal

As you can see a ‘fracas’ ranges from an attack with a small but significant weapon of mass destruction down to a finger wagging telling off. So poor old Jeremy will have to wait and see whether he gets 6 months in the Clink or 60 minutes on the Naughty Step.

However all may not be lost for Jezza. A Change.org petition, aiming to reverse the BBC Top Gear decision, was started on 10 March by blogger Guido Fawkes. The petition had been signed by over 800,000 people by the 13th March and looks like hitting a million votes at least, by the weekend.

Its interesting to conjecture though that if Jennifer (yes that’s another of his monikers) had been a Tory MP (he thought about it) or a Banker (he’s rich enough) or a Baron (JC is a member of the Chipping Norton Set) then there may not have been so much sympathy from the general public with headlines such as:

‘MP Pummels Researcher’

‘Banker Wallops Intern’

‘Baron Bashes Servant’

So what can we all learn from this:

Its widely alleged that Jeremy Clarkson is a self-centered, thoughtless, arrogant bully but with a twinkle in his eye and a penchant for speaking to the heart of the common man. These are all very useful traits if you seek riches and power.  We can learn many a lesson from the PetrolHeadMeister and this blog will follow his continuing career after the BBC Top Gear Fracas blows over, with great interest as he gets to the top without working too hard.

Breaking News……

Jeremy will hopefully be a guest speaker at the Institute of Mediocre Management later this year. His topic will be:

There are more important things to worry about than what some balding and irrelevant middle-aged man might have said on a crappy BBC2 motoring show.” (Jezza –Sunday Times 2008)

 

Middle-aged businessmen are winning amateur cycling races on EPO

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The Institute Of Mediocre Management are withdrawing their sponsorship from the IMM Budgie-Smuggers Cycling team who have been found guilty of using excessive amounts of EPO to win at any cost. The IMM of course support the use of EPA (Executive Pay Awards) to gain a significant advantage by being able to afford really expensive bikes.

Last Year's Winner of the Tour De CEO

Last Year’s Winner of the Tour De CEO

It’s Friday so DOSS to your Boss. (i.e be Deferential, Obsequious, Sycophantic and Subservient)

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As its Friday, here at the I.M.M. , our Head of Human Exploitation, Dr Hiram N Sackem, thought that your workers could do with a little cheering up – we’re not all ogres here at the Institute! The obvious caveat being these should be enjoyed in their leisure time not whilst working at your coal face.

2nd Place Awesome  Exercise  Star Wars Stars Teamwork

Going Home

Source: #demotivationalposters and @ThePoke

Sleeping is for Wimps! Man up says the IMM and smell the Coffee

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Here at the Institute of Mediocre Management we pride ourselves on our policy of looking after our esteemed members holistically. Not only do we want to see our colleagues do well fiscally but also we want to ensure their mental and physical well-being. After all, IMM members are the Elite, The Head Honchos, Those Who Shall Be Obeyed and therefore without them leading our World, it would cease to function in the way it does today.

An infographic is currently circulating showing how the top business people and politicians manage their sleep patterns and it’s clear that there is a wide differential in the amount of sleep taken.

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU REALLY NEED?

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU REALLY NEED?

The IMM’s Medical team investigated this research and discovered that those who get enough sleep are more likely to have better mental health and are less likely to be overweight, develop high blood pressure, raised cholesterol and Type 2 diabetes.

But they also discovered that if you cut sleep back to less than five hours a night for several days in a row, then your short-term and long-term memory, ability to focus, decision-making capacity, number processing, cognitive speed, and spatial orientation all start to suffer.

When I ran Widget European Enterprises , I personally introduced a corporate culture based around Sleep Deprivation and it didn’t hurt us a bit, apart from the litigation and the bankruptcy. It was a unique concept, which worked extremely well for W.E.E. as the resulting high turnover of junior executives, mainly from mental and physical breakdowns, allowed us to keep wages down and therefore increase profits.

Here is some of the guidance we gave to our up and coming leaders:

  • An ambitious manager should manage at least an 100-hour work week
  • Sleep should be restricted to less than five hours per night, so employees can be on call for longer.
  • Employees’ phones should be on at all times and answered at all times.
  • When you signed up, the small print advised that W.E.E. own you. Get used to it.
  • Stay Awake! Drink at least 10 cups of coffee a day! Snoozing is for Wimps!

For us, of course, the Numero Uno Executive Leaders, long days are not an issue. How else can we utilise our expense accounts? So we tend to burn the candle at both ends, with early breakfast meetings and dinners that run late, for days and days. And if like me you can’t get to sleep without some wind-down time in a lap dancing club then you may not doze off until 2 in the morning. Which can mean an average four hours of sleep a night for four or five days.

The IMM Medical team advises that Executives running this kind of schedule develop the same level of cognitive impairment as if they’d been awake for 24 hours, equivalent to legal drunkenness, and like a drunk, a person who is sleep deprived has no idea how functionally impaired he or she truly is. The results are obvious. Senior Executives may get angry at employees, make unsound decisions that affect the future of their companies, and give muddled presentations before their colleagues, customers, the press, or shareholders and generally offer bugger all value to anyone.

So no change there and no-one will notice any behavioural changes at all if we, the Masters of The Mediocre, have 4 hours or 10 hours sleep, so it’s BAU: Keep Calm and Carry On Oppressing the Masses.