Oh come on, some one had to……..
The Ministry of Defence has unveiled the new look British Army which will protect the UK’s borders and interests from 2015. General Sir Arnold Mainwaring-Pike, Head of the Army, admitted that the recent cuts meant some ‘blue sky thinking’ and ‘strategic paradigms were needed going forward”.
The radical new policy means that rather than recruiting the unemployed with violent tendencies from the streets of our northern most cities, Britain will now outsource Army recruitment to China where soldiers will be manufactured to order.
“Clearly being able to order exactly the right number of soldiers who are fully trained as bazooka chaps or machine gunners from the start, clearly saves on recruitment and training costs” said Mainwaring–Pike. “And because they come in green, we save on uniform costs as well.”
The first batch of the new soldiers arrived in the U.K. earlier this year and were put through their paces at the Army’s main training base at Dontlikeit Uppham where according to Sergeant Major ‘Taffy’ McBarstard they were an immediate improvement to his normal raw recruits.
“Once we got them all standing up on the parade ground they remained perfectly in line for hours. Never flinched. Bugger all use at marching but that will come.” McBarstard was equally impressed with their resilience. “It was when we got the bunch of lily-livered mummy’s boys onto the battlefield training area that we were really surprised. Every time you shot at one of them you could just pop them back up on their feet and they were ready to go again. Any casualties and dab of glue worked wonders.”
The British Army has ordered 498 boxes of these troops and will be collecting balls of string and recycled carrier bags to use for the formation of a new airborne division.
Sometimes those who lie in the Vanguard of Mediocrity, Middling Leaders who we look up to, let us down and disappoint us. At times like these we should pause, take stock and look at the lessons learned.
As we all know aiming for Mediocrity should mean never failing but from time to time even the most Mediocre amongst us do something, they think for all the right reasons, but get it so badly wrong.
In a vote on Tues 16th December, the Equal Pay (Transparency) Bill was overwhelmingly backed by MPs. The bill called for employers with more than 250 staff to be made to publish information showing the difference between male and female pay and it passed by 258 votes to eight, majority 250.
Seven Tory MPs voted against it, one bottled even that and abstained.
Here is why voting against the bill was an epic fail, even if you are a genuinely misogynistic, patronising, publicity seeker.
1] The next election, in around 6 months time is going to be a closely run affair. Your boss, David has said that every seat counts, every vote counts. You have just pissed off 50% of the electorate and your leader.
2] You probably hoped that you were appearing to be principled and that there was a ‘good’ reason for your opposition to the bill. Lets make a wild assumption here that you chaps don’t think women should be barefoot, pregnant, slaving over a hot stove etc. Don’t forget, you are politicians and most voters believe that to get where you have today meant you dropped your moral compass in the recycling bin a long time ago. So no one will believe your ‘principled’ argument
3] Your Party Whips are nervous about anything that casts their party in a bad light. It’s not going well in Tory Land at the moment. Your promotion prospects have just disappeared, for ever. Demotion is also a distinct possibility
4] Recently the loony fringes of your party have hotfooted it over to UKIP. Based on this behaviour your colleagues will have you penciled in for the next tranche to go over the top into political obscurity. Prepare to be shunned at the bar
5] Those of you with wives and partners have just foregone your ‘Hanky Panky’ ration for 2015 and possibly beyond. Worse you may just find you will find that the domestic chores become more equally divided, so there goes the golf handicap
So what Mediocre lessons have we learnt? If you want to be controversial remember:
1] If you stick your head over the parapet of radical thought you will likely get your head blown off. Skulk in the trench of public opinion and survive
2] Principles are for those with nothing to lose. Conformity begets consent
3] Check with grown up first and make them sign a slip before doing anything silly, you can then blame them
Have a very Mediocre Xmas!
2014 has been another successful year for we the management elite. One is reminded of that dear old Greek chap Aristotle who so accurately opined
For that some should rule and others be ruled is a thing not only necessary, but expedient; from the hour of their birth, some are marked out for subjection, others for rule.
(Aristotle made his fortune from the invention of the Kebab and never looked back)
According to the High Pay Centre In 2014, we have done rather better financially than expected and one might reasonably ask: ‘What Recession?’
Our executive pay has grown from 60 times that of the average worker to almost 180 times since the 1990s said their report.
The FTSE 100 Chief Executives are paid an average £4.3 million, equivalent to hourly pay of well over £1,000. Executive pay has increased by 74% over the past decade, while wages for ordinary workers have remained flat.
Top bosses now take home more in two and a half days than the average worker earns in a year so we are well on our way to our target of; 1 day’s work for us equals 1 year’s work for the Great Unwashed, which feels about right.
Of course we have to thank a few others for helping us rise to these glorious heights where we rightfully belong. Our Conservative Party colleagues, for helping us drive the little people’s wages down enabling our profits to rise and triggering our performance related bonuses. The Socialist lot for electing Ed as their top man, who is as effective as a non-exec in a remuneration committee and of course, UKIP who have managed to convince everyone that it’s immigration that’s at fault and why the country is in such a state rather that the mis-management of the banking, financial and other key industries by us the Fat Cats.
To be clear we don’t want Farage’s lot in power or else we are going to have to pay a living wage to some UK born and bred chap who actually has some rights.
So in this season of goodwill to all, let us put apart our differences and remember those less fortunate and poorer than us by raising a toast to all skint people everywhere who support us by their toil and strife and especially those who aspire to be like us and don’t rock the boat.
A Happy Xmas to You All
1: A bunch of socialist malcontents mostly on the average wage
2: For the benefit of HMRC we actually earn £43,000 in the UK the rest is earned in
3. Fat Cats are very popular on YouTube as although they are a teensie bit selfish
underneath they are lovely and huggable, just like us really.
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