The Ministry of Defence has unveiled the new look British Army which will protect the UK’s borders and interests from 2015. General Sir Arnold Mainwaring-Pike, Head of the Army, admitted that the recent cuts meant some ‘blue sky thinking’ and ‘strategic paradigms were needed going forward”.
The radical new policy means that rather than recruiting the unemployed with violent tendencies from the streets of our northern most cities, Britain will now outsource Army recruitment to China where soldiers will be manufactured to order.
“Clearly being able to order exactly the right number of soldiers who are fully trained as bazooka chaps or machine gunners from the start, clearly saves on recruitment and training costs” said Mainwaring–Pike. “And because they come in green, we save on uniform costs as well.”
The first batch of the new soldiers arrived in the U.K. earlier this year and were put through their paces at the Army’s main training base at Dontlikeit Uppham where according to Sergeant Major ‘Taffy’ McBarstard they were an immediate improvement to his normal raw recruits.
“Once we got them all standing up on the parade ground they remained perfectly in line for hours. Never flinched. Bugger all use at marching but that will come.” McBarstard was equally impressed with their resilience. “It was when we got the bunch of lily-livered mummy’s boys onto the battlefield training area that we were really surprised. Every time you shot at one of them you could just pop them back up on their feet and they were ready to go again. Any casualties and dab of glue worked wonders.”
The British Army has ordered 498 boxes of these troops and will be collecting balls of string and recycled carrier bags to use for the formation of a new airborne division.