If you understand what these are or use them, then you’re guaranteed a bonus. Sadly.

Apparently a  third of ‘underperforming’ bosses are given bonuses, say the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) , who are not affiliated in any way with the Institute of Mediocre Management (IMM) though our goal of getting the bosses more wonga are of course the same.

The CMI report suggests that UK managers are getting pay bonuses despite being “underperformers”.

The research into the pay of 70,000 managers concluded that a third of those given bonuses were rated as “not meeting expectations.”

The Chartered Management Institute’s National Salary Survey found that the average bonus for under-performing company directors was £45,000 and the average bonus for below-par senior managers was almost £9,000.

CMI chief executive Ann Francke said: “Too many managers are reaping the rich rewards of their positions despite being poor performers.

Ms Francke explained that bonuses may now be considered a part of normal pay, rather than a reward for hard work.
“Another reason so many low performers get bonuses is that there is often a culture of rewarding past glories.
“The longer that goes on, the more people come to rely on the money… employers really should think about whether it would be better to address the level of basic pay.”

And here at the IMM we totally agree with the CMI that basic pay should go up for incompetent performers as they form the backbone of UK businesses and without them, Golf Club, Luxury Car and Sailing Holiday companies would go to the wall, red trousers and stripey shirts would never be worn again and Agas would be consigned to history.