Cameron’s Tax Avoidance Was Entirely Justifiable

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A massive data leak from Panama-based Mossack Fonseca showed the that Prime Minister David Cameron’s late father, Ian Cameron used the company to set up an offshore fund for investors.  Panama is a tax haven, which means they a have a very low or zero rate of income tax and also guarantee the rich a cloak of secrecy they would not receive in their own country.

Camerons Dad 2

“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes” -Benjamin Franklin or if you are very rich then: “In this world, nothing can said to be certain except receiving an inheritance and practising tax evasion” – Dick Lannister

However we would argue that Mr Ian Cameron was perfectly within his rights to avoid paying taxes as he was rich, better spoken than the average man in the street and also very posh –  ‘e was related to King William IV, don’t you know.

For example, although when our dear PM, David ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron went to University students had no tuition fees, it was still very expensive to go there.

In fact to be a member of Oxford University’s Bullingdon Club the required fancy dress cost £3,000.

Bullingdon Club

Our P.M. is top, second from left, wearing Bullers fancy dress,

“like a lot of most disorderly footmen”. (Brideshead Revisited)

The club has always been noted for its rituals, such as the vandalising of restaurants, complemented by a tradition of on-the-spot payment for damage. Again significant funds are needed for this and one might reasonably argue that these payments to the little people should attract a tax break.

So justifiably, Mr Cameron Senior did not pay taxes on this Panamanian income as he was funding the welfare and education of our Prime Minister rather than throwing money at socialist and liberal-minded governments who waste it on education for the illiterate masses and health care for those who refuse to pay to go private.

The PM of course is not involved in any scheme at all as he loves paying all his taxes . Here’s what Dave said about Jimmy Carr’s tax issues in June 2012:

“I think some of these schemes – and I think particularly of the Jimmy Carr scheme – I have had time to read about and I just think this is completely wrong.

“People work hard, they pay their taxes, they save up to go to one of his shows. They buy the tickets. He is taking the money from those tickets and he, as far as I can see, is putting all of that into some very dodgy tax avoiding schemes.

“That is wrong. There is nothing wrong with people planning their tax affairs to invest in their pension and plan for their retirement – that sort of tax management is fine. But some of these schemes we have seen are quite frankly morally wrong.

“The government is acting by looking at a general anti-avoidance law but we do need to make progress on this. It is not fair on hardworking people who do the right thing and pay their taxes to see these sorts of scams taking place.”

It is estimated that UK tax authorities could be losing saving our leaders and rulers up to £7.2bn a year from avoidance and evasion.

Next week………

Osborne Tax

George Osborne’s family firm and the development deal with an offshore company that could have saved £2 million worth of tax….

George reasonably will not answer any questions about whether or not he has in the past or will in the future, benefit from any offshore income because it’s an impertinent question of a much loved and respected elder statesman whose only aim in life is make sure that the great unwashed support the ruling classes financially and show respect to their elders and betters.

If you are a member of the I.M.M. then you can get free tax advice from our Avoid & Evade Department, The Clink House, 666 Crooked Avenue, Panama.

Employees are a profit centre if managed correctly

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The I.M.M. recently brought in a Change Management consultant to review our employment philosophy guidelines and he came up with a ‘New Thinking’ proposal. As the precocious stripey-shirted oik was charging us a significant percentage of the National Debt per day to come up with this information, initially we had to take it seriously. His report, a 521 page Powerpoint ‘deck’, remains unread, it’s mostly a cut and paste for something he did for B.P., but we did read the executive summary. Well most of it anyway.

Rufus , our MBA qualified Intern has now transposed this onto a single slide with the Institute’s comments. We apologise for the tardiness of the response but our Chairman was concerned about the font and the shade of red used and whether this was ‘on brand’ or not.

New thinking

As you can see from the above,  we will be continuing to used the tried and tested I.M.M. thinking which has worked very well for our members, mostly ‘C’ level execs who all successfully rode out the recession. This thinking is also supported by the vast majority of the FTSE 250 roster whose executive pay has also managed to keep pace with top end house price and luxury car inflation which is awful. “Oh to live in a two up two down in Bolton, so much less hassle” is a common refrain at the Club.

The New Thinking concept is prevalent mainly in new start up companies that tend to locate themselves in Shoreditch (in an industrial estate bordered by an abattoir and London’s largest squat). They all sit on Bean Bags full of Fairtrade Llama fur and play table football while eating Quinoa wraps. It’s a wonder they find time to drag their brains from FaceChat to do any work.

In the end, the only person to make any dosh out of this type of enterprise, will be the founder and his mate. Having borrowed 13 squillion pounds to create an App that links together people who have an unhealthy interest in Armadillos with others who are similarly inclined but also vegan, they then sell out to a multinational techie conglomerate who are desperate to acquire the next new thing and have plenty of spare cash because they don’t pay any taxes.

Therefore our conclusion, unanimously agreed over a rather pleasant lunch at our corporate hospitality box was to leave things as is.  Far less work.

Change

Brian’s report, which he has now modified, to reflect what we thought in the first place,  is available to all our members. It is on the website but of course we can fax it over if you prefer and for our luddite contingent a typed transcript is also available. For really busy Thought Leaders a single 3 bullet point summary may also be requested.

Special Offer! 50% off print version! Guaranteed 50% increase in your income after reading this book!*

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Book Fan small

 

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Dick Lannister

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To Brexit or not to Brexit that is the question?

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Here at the Institute we have been asked by our members should we stay or should we leave the European Union. The answer of course is that we will be backing the winning side. To decide now would be to rashly forfeit establishment goodwill, future business opportunities and a potential Knighthood or CBE if one made a mistake.

It is too early to say who is winning but to help our members and our blog readers, especially those who do not live in our Gloriously Scented Isle, we will be providing some background information on the campaigns and the personalities involved.

In essence all the opposition parties and most of their supporters are broadly in favour of staying in so politically this is an internal bun fight within the Tory party. For the voters then its a choice between believing the P.M. Dave ‘Flashman’ Cameron (Stay) or a group of has-been middle England Ministers led by Boris ‘BoJo’ Johnson (Leave)

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The Tory ‘Gang of Six’  team backing Brexit. Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Pluto, Donald Duck and the other one

First off let’s look at one of the leading campaigners for the Leave campaign:

BORIS JOHNSON: 

On the ‘We don’t like Johnny Foreigner’ side is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Eton, Oxford, the outgoing Mayor of London and an MP. Variously described by his friends, as self centred, arrogant and focussed on self aggrandisement, he has taken this stance to ally himself with the 50% or more of the Tory Party who want out of the EU and who may well then vote him in as the next leader of the Tory Party. (What’s not to like about that? – Ed)

Once Britain has left the E.U. Boris’s master plan is for the UK, which will end up being England only as the rest of the Union will devolve,  to then ally itself to the USA, run in all likelihood by then by Trump Industries. This Axis of Weasels will then try to rule the world.

Of course as this will probably mean low or no taxes for the wealthy elite we at the I.M.M. are very much in favour of this master plan if it looks likely to succeed. It would also be most amusing to see our English underprivileged masses attempt to migrate across to Europe to take up low paid jobs there. We won’t tolerate ‘Jungle’ type camps at Dover though.

When compare side by side there is a distinct similarity between The Donald and BoJo, both in looks and personalities:

Boris and Trump

When you look at me, when you think of me, I am in paradise  – William Makepeace Thackeray

Both are mad as a box of frogs and are supported by the mad, bad and the terminally cross. Sadly there are lots of voters like that.

Boris said:  “You can’t rule out the possibility that, you know, beneath the carefully constructed veneer of a, you know, blithering idiot there lurks a blithering idiot”

Donald said:  “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”  

So is the UK better in or out? Or is the ‘End of Days’ approaching (see above) therefore does it really matter?

The E.U. for Dummies.

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There is much confusion about the European Union and what it stands for. As the U.K. heads for a referendum on whether to stay or leave it is important that everyone is clear about what we will be voting about and the benefits or not of the existing status quo.

There is also confusion about what is; the United Kingdom, Great Britain and The British Isles and who of; England, Scotland, Ireland, Northern Ireland and Wales belongs to what.

The United Kingdom explained:

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Still with us? Good. Now to explain the E.U. Some people think there is a common currency, no european borders and a common economic policy. They are wrong, it’s very simple though:

Europe explained:

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What E.U. countries do have in common is the desire for financial advantage: The poorer countries extract as much money as they can from the richer countries who then demand that they then buy stuff from them with this money.

What every E.U. country is best at:

2015-01-23-EUCountryBestAt_1

Source: Huffington Post

What concerns Europe today?

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Winston Churchill Won War Without Powerpoint

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A recently released war office document showed that Winston liked to cut to the chase and read important stuff without have to plough through a ‘deck’ of 60 slides of guff designed to make the writer appear more intelligent than they were.

This was very helpful in winning the war as he didn’t need a steering committee to strategise the options and then form a working party to translate the Vision into a Mission Statement that could then be brought to the Board for consideration.

Corporate entities who want to react quickly and effectively should take note of his wise words below.

Winston

 

Duncan Bowen has sadly passed away. R.I.P. D.B.

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From Norman Mantovani: Music Correspondent for I.M.M. News

It was with great sadness that a telex has reached me this morning to say that Duncan Bowen had died. Duncan was an artiste of the very highest calibre and a close personal friend.

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Duncan on the left with fellow Beetle Ringo Stardust

Mr Bowen was best known as a musician, playing both the xylophone and the euphonium but it was his deep booming bass voice that I will remember him best for. His vocal on his most famous hit, Major Tommy, laced with a melliflouos, chocolate flavoured, husky intonation invariably makes me weep.

He was born in Brighton in 1934, the son of a toad sexer and a wet nurse and was a precocious child, belting out his own lyrics during his primary school Nativity play. Hark the Hairy Angels Smell was possibly his first ever penned song.

Being invariably cast as the rear end of third donkey probably helped kick start his love of dressing up and his famous holistic sexuality. One will not go further than that as this is a family blog but it was no different to what we thought leaders experienced at boarding school when we were chaste young boys.

Bowen’s first chart topping LP was ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ a curiously cryptic concept album about the life and times of a public transportation vehicle. I usually better understood the lyrics after one of Griselda’s long herby cigarettes.

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round.The wheels on the bus go round and round,all day long

Genius…

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Bowen then changed from his light popular music persona, The Man from Uncle, to a much spacier character, Zombie Bombie. Zombie produced the seminal work Zombie Bombie’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with his then unknown backing band the Beetles

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Bombie was also to last just one album and he sailed through the next decades continually re-inventing himself musically and as an artistic artiste in the art world.

I met the man after I had sold the world in 1983 to a hedge fund manager friend of mine. When I told him the story Duncan laughed and scibbled down some notes which I believe were the basis for his well known song ‘Norman is a Knob’.

In the nineties, Bowen, had DNA injections to help him make changes to his nuclear structure and he lived quietly in a Manhattan Zoo screeching out his back catalogue for peanuts and the occasional grape

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Duncan Bowen Ch.. Ch..Changes again

But sadly all good things must end and we must report Duncan’s demise. He had been unwell for some time, having suffered from Sprout for a while, his extremities going green and flaky with and emitting a damp, musty aroma.

His final performance at Slough’s Municipal Baths was attended by the great, the good and some politicians. Sponsored by the I.M.M. it raised over £100 for the Osborne Home for Tax Avoiders in Mustique.

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DB’s Swansong 

Duncan leaves an unknown number of children, 3 wives (well 4 actually but the others don’t know about that one) plus a back catalogue of immeasurable wealth consisting of finger paintings, recipes for boiled tortoise and several of his unfinished books. Dunc we will miss you.

Note to Ed – Is this ok? Only met the bastard once and he left me the bloody tab..

New media terminology – enabling hipster mediocrity to flourish

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At last we can consign Paradigm Shifts, Compelling Consumer Propositions, Swim Lanes and all that 20th century mumbo jumbo that enabled us all to bullsh*t our way through two decades of mediocrity, to the dustbin of ridicule.

Now as we start to hand over the reigns of power to a younger generation of hopelessly inadequate, unqualified yet surprisingly confident underlings it is gratifying to see that finally they are beginning to stand on their own two feet*.

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Although late in coming,  our new intake of mediocre managers are finally creating a world of impenetrable, meaningless jargon that can be used to convince others of their supposed intellectual superiority.

Steve Tenants  has provided a useful technical text generator for both young and old techno-babbling jedi spawn which may be used to confuse the client/boss. For example:

They’re inside the array, use the optical CD-ROM mainframe to copy their transistor!

Send the auxiliary array into the bandwidth, it will copy the malware by navigating its HDD network!

Use the fibre optic COM monitor, then you can attach the analogue protocol!

In additional to mouthing mindless inanities, youthful would be managers need to display a typical, traditional, one of the herd look so they don’t stand out but blend in with their peers.

For men, add a beard, remove the trouser belt, display pants and walk around permanently clasping a smart phone to a sweaty palm.

For ladies you do not have to grow a beard.  Try carrying a large designer handbag in the crook of your arm, with a Starbucks in one hand and phone in other whilst tottering around on a pair of Jimmy Choos.

Here at the I.M.M. we senior executives of course still prefer to wear bespoke suits and club ties although Barry/Sheila our senior accountant does like handbags and wearing Louboutin shoes at weekends.

*held up by a couple of workers obviously

Note: This blog is now available on Wankr