Prime Minister-in-waiting George Osborne puts the Proles back in their rightful place

‘Good old George’ was the cry at Wimbledon as we clinked our glasses with other Captains of Industry taking respite from our onerous roles as Masters of the Universe and Thought Leaders. It was clear that Cameron was getting a little lily-livered and starting to bleat about social equality (he’s married you know, with a Mem Saab who wears the trousers). So the I.M.M. fired off a little ‘guidance’ note advising that if he wanted to move next door with our support he’d better get himself a hairier chest than our dear departed Maggie. Seems to have done the trick as the report below shows.

George Osborne’s “one-nation” Budget will leave the poorest households in Britain “unequivocally” worse off, according to Paul Johnson, director of IFS, a respected think-tank.

In his speech on Wednesday, the Chancellor suggested that the boost to incomes from his new national Living Wage would leave ordinary families with a higher standard of living.

But the Institute for Fiscal Studies said that the Budget would actually make the poorest 10 per cent of families about £800 a year worse off by 2019.

The changes overall are regressive: taking much more from poorer households than richer ones.

Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 19.25.46
The next-poorest 10 per cent would experience an even bigger loss as their annual incomes were slashed by £1,100, it added.

Meanwhile, the richest 10 per cent of families will see their incomes fall by only £350 a year, while the second-richest 10 per cent will lose virtually nothing.

Child poverty is expected to shoot up and the majority of losers from the squeeze on tax credits will be people in work.

Paul Johnson, director of IFS, also shot down the Chancellor’s suggestion that his introduction of a £9-per-hour Living Wage by 2020 would compensate working families for his assault on the tax-credit regime.

It is absolutely clear that increases in the minimum wage will not make up for cuts in tax credits.

Ridiculous Reasons For Throwing a Sickie….

Screen Shot 2015-06-12 at 17.18.00

Have your workmates called in sick today? I’m not saying they are faking it, but it’s gorgeous weather outside, a new season of Orange is the New Black just hit Netflix and research from jobs site Reed.co.uk shows that Friday is the most popular day to skive off.

The jobs site also asked employers to compile their most ridiculous excuses. We challenge anyone to get away with number 2.

  • Oh, I thought it was Sunday…is it Monday today?
  • My dog ate my iphone so I couldn’t find the place
  • We have had a bereavement in the family… budgie died
  • I’ve been waiting for a bus for 3 hours
  • I’m really sorry I cannot make it into work this morning as I have sunburned feet.

And here are their most frequently heard excuses, some of which are more reasonable.

  • I’m sick
  • A member of my family is sick
  • I’m in A&E
  • My phone battery died
  • My dog is sick
  • I was robbed last night
  • I fainted on the way to work
  • I don’t feel like going in
  • I’ve broken my leg
  • I’m locked out of my house

Are you a Mediocre Manager? Or a Dysfunctional Director? Then here’s your bonus…..

If you understand what these are or use them, then  you're guaranteed a bonus. Sadly.

If you understand what these are or use them, then you’re guaranteed a bonus. Sadly.

Apparently a  third of ‘underperforming’ bosses are given bonuses, say the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) , who are not affiliated in any way with the Institute of Mediocre Management (IMM) though our goal of getting the bosses more wonga are of course the same.

The CMI report suggests that UK managers are getting pay bonuses despite being “underperformers”.

The research into the pay of 70,000 managers concluded that a third of those given bonuses were rated as “not meeting expectations.”

The Chartered Management Institute’s National Salary Survey found that the average bonus for under-performing company directors was £45,000 and the average bonus for below-par senior managers was almost £9,000.

CMI chief executive Ann Francke said: “Too many managers are reaping the rich rewards of their positions despite being poor performers.

Ms Francke explained that bonuses may now be considered a part of normal pay, rather than a reward for hard work.
“Another reason so many low performers get bonuses is that there is often a culture of rewarding past glories.
“The longer that goes on, the more people come to rely on the money… employers really should think about whether it would be better to address the level of basic pay.”

And here at the IMM we totally agree with the CMI that basic pay should go up for incompetent performers as they form the backbone of UK businesses and without them, Golf Club, Luxury Car and Sailing Holiday companies would go to the wall, red trousers and stripey shirts would never be worn again and Agas would be consigned to history.

Status Meetings: A Complete Waste of Time But Still Essential Say Mediocre Managers

SURVEY REVEALS ALMOST 50 PERCENT OF RESPONDENTS WOULD RATHER GO TO DMV, WATCH PAINT DRY (Source: CLARIZEN 2015)

Status meetings undermine worker productivity with lengthy preparation requirements and distracted, multi-tasking participants. Three in five employed adults reported that preparing for a status meeting “takes longer than the meeting itself,” while more than one-third of those who attend status meetings called them a waste of their time.
Screen Shot 2015-06-06 at 18.32.04
The results show that employed Americans spend an average of 4.6 hours each week preparing for status meetings and 4.5 hours attending general status meetings, up from four hours each week four years ago. New results also indicate that almost three in five workers reported that they multitask during status meetings. Almost half of respondents would rather “do any unpleasant activity” than sit in a status meeting, including going to the Department of Motor Vehicles or watching paint dry.

“Survey results continue to show that status meetings do not boost employee productivity,” said Avinoam Nowogrodski, founder and CEO of Clarizen. “In today’s modern workplace, where demands are constantly changing, employees need easy, real-time access to their discussions, work content and processes. This is what fuels employee productivity and quality work, not sitting in status meetings or preparing lengthy status reports.

The Seagull Manager

Do you get in a flap when things go wrong? Is your management style based on just making a lot of noise i.e. style but no substance? Do you crap on subordinates? Then you may well qualify for the I.M.M. Seagull Management course. See below for Corporate Life 101’s qualifications necessary to participate.

Corporate Life 101

The seagull manager is such an integral part of the corporate scene that it is difficult to separate the two with any reasonable or even unreasonable force.

Those unfortunate souls who are not up to speed on corporate nuances, please educate yourself here. The seagull manager is sort of fun to watch from the periphery, if you have managed to stay outside the sphere of influence which, I hasten to add, is considerable and, more often than not, includes the entire organization. It is definitely prudent to assume that you would be showered with you-know-what sooner or later and be prepared with suitable cleansing agents.

The seagull manager descends on meetings in the blink of an eye. Let us say you are discussing the layout for a new office and attempting to logically divide the space based on departments and who needs to work with whom. In comes the…

View original post 339 more words

How Sepp Blatter Got To The Top

Blatter FIFA2

10 Traits Of Great Business Leaders according to Forbes Magazine

  1. Persistence, Persistence, Persistence
  2. Thick skin. Rhino-thick.
  3. An Eye for Talent
  4. Can’t Get No Satisfaction
  5. Fearlessness
  6. Owning Your Mistakes
  7. Toughness
  8. Winning Friends and Influencing People
  9. Singular Vision
  10. Powerfully Passionate

as for (6) – well he resigned in the end.

10 Things That Employees Will Love You For……. And How To Stop Doing Them

downsize 3

A new survey by Reed.co.uk has found that most people rate a good work/life balance above salary when it comes to career satisfaction.The survey found that the following 10 factors were most important for contentment at work:

  1. Easy daily commute
  1. Cool / fun work space
  1. Good work / life balance
  1. Salary
  1. Job security
  1. Work social events
  1. Working alongside inspiring colleagues
  1. Good promotion prospects
  1. Extra holiday
  1. Dress down Friday

The I.M.M. therefore suggest that if you are looking to downsize efficiently, i.e. get the ungrateful lot of money grabbing, whining malcontents that drain your company’s profits off the books may we respectfully suggest the following ‘re-organisation’

  1. Move the office away from public transport and have manager-only parking
  1. Introduce hot desking and ensure plebs, sorry staff, pay for beverages
  1. Ensure overtime is expected at both ends of the day
  1. Make the pay look like the minimum wage is an aspirational target
  1. Introduce zero hours contracts
  1. Hold alcohol and food free events on Friday evenings
  1. Deliver a blame culture which should keep everyone on their toes
  1. Create an office mantra: ‘Suck up or stay down’
  1. Make it known that time off is frowned up and impacts #8
  1. Tell Staff to wear what they are told to wear

How To Get to the Top in PR….FIFA PR Guru offers obfuscation, befuddlement and discombobulation

Fifa's director of communications Walter 'Big Balls' de Gregorio speaking in Zurich on Wednesday

Fifa’s director of communications Walter ‘Big Balls’ de Gregorio speaking in Zurich on Wednesday

Following the arrests of six senior officials on suspicion of corruption, Fifa’s director of communications Walter de Gregorio gave a press conference on Wednesday morning.

Far from admitting that two criminal investigations into “rampant, systemic, and deep-rooted” corruption were a damning indictment on the organisation or its president, De Gregorio seemed upbeat.

Here are 10 of the most bizarre quotes he gave:

1: In this case, Fifa is the damaged party… it is a difficult moment for us.

2: This for Fifa is good, it’s not good in terms of image, it’s not good in terms of reputation, but in terms of cleaning up this is good.

3: This is good. It confirms we are on the right track… but it hurts.

4: We were as surprised as you guys were.

5: The president [Sepp Blatter] is not involved, but how can you say whatsoever he has to step down. He is the president and in two days there are elections. If the 209 members re-elect him then he is the president for the next four years.

6: First of all [Blatter] is focused on congress, let’s just say the stress factor is a little higher today than yesterday. But he is quite relaxed, he knows and it has been confirmed today that he is not involved.

7: The president is not involved, so how can you say he has to step down? He was not involved.

8: [Blatter]’s not dancing in his office. He’s very calm, he sees what happened, he’s fully cooperative with everybody. He’s not kind of a happy man today and says ‘wow, wow, that’s really cool, what happens here’ but he knows that this is the consequence of what we initiated. It’s a surprise it happened today but it’s not a surprise it happened.

9: Russia and Qatar will be played. That, today, is a fact.

10: [The officials] arrested have not been convicted yet so how can we suspend them?

There are procedures but you can’t expect that at 6am when the attorney general turns up we just suspend them. We’re talking about something that started five hours ago, we’re still finding out information.

To expect now that at such short notice we would suspend people on no evidence.

From the Independent 

Here’s a useful PR tip, if your company ever finds itself mired in accusations, allegations and indictments then replace ‘FIFA’ with your company name and ‘Blatter’ with your CEO’s name and you are sorted.