Trump Is a Turkey That Needs Stuffing

Bud L Winchester telexed from over the pond to say that Donald Chump, a founder member of the U.S.A’s Institute of  Mediocre Management, would be delighted to accept an award from the UK Institute as our 2015 ‘Maximus Stultum, Minimis Cerebra. 

For those who don’t know Dick Chump, the biography on his website reads:

Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence while expanding his interests in real estate, sports, and entertainment. He is the archetypal businessman –– a deal maker without peer.

He has stated:

“”My father was my mentor, and I learned a tremendous amount about every aspect of the construction industry from him.”” Likewise, Fred C. Trump often stated that “”some of my best deals were made by my son, Donald…everything he touches seems to turn to gold.”” 

trump

So would be ‘Apprentices’ learn from the master if you want to earn a small fortune, earn a large fortune and give it to Dolly A Frump.

But the Igot D Hump skills encompass both climate expertise;

“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

and a deep understanding of the type of person that runs for presidential office

“One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”

So we can all take heart from Dobbin Z Mumps, that if he can still persuade millions of people to part with their money and even vote for him, then truly that is the proof that nothing is impossible to achieve.

trump-bankrupt-america

Trump comp

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Company lightens minimum wage hell with compulsory Christmas hats

Memo to CEO: Employees should purchase their own hats after all they get the happiness free and experience this in company time.

News Toad

santa hat minimum wage

A large company has today taken the edge of its employees’ anguish at working for the minimum wage at the most expensive time of year by making them wear Christmas hats.

In a memo to all employees a spokesman for the company’s senior management and directors said “We’re not giving you a pay rise or a Christmas bonus, as that might affect year on year growth. But as we’ll be giving ourselves both of these things, we’re going to make sure everyone celebrates. We’re going to fucking well make you jolly about it.

“Non-Christmas hat wearing employees will of course be subject to disciplinary action. Your selfish actions might damage the company’s brand and of course you’ll ruin Christmas for everyone.”

Indeed a press release from the company’s communications manager said “We have soooo much fun where we work! I think everyone will agree we’re just so much fun, and…

View original post 81 more words

Redundancy, its the Sound of Xmas!

My dear colleague, Donald Trumpington III, the CEO at International Systems Integrated Software headquartered out of Syria (for tax reasons, I understand) has just re-organised the company in order to prop up Management’s request for an increased bonus this year.

He has kindly offered to share his company’s new organisation chart with us all.

Org chart

The usual 10% of his minions will get the heave-ho in order to generate sufficient profit, but as its Xmas, they are usually mentally prepared for being cast aside into the howling winds of despair and despondency. To ease their pain, dear Donald has allowed them to come to the first hour of the office party for a soft drink and a mince pie. If they stayed later they would just hoover up the atmosphere for the rest of the team with their long faces and whingeing.

There’s some more good news! I.M.M. members are invited to apply for a new role at I.S.I.S, which reports directly into the VP of Fear, Dotty Beaver, Dotty as you may recall provided us with her festive Roast Kitten recipe last year.

JD

Please attach a C.V., cover letter and send a magnum of Bolly to the Club where applications will be evaluated based on who you know rather than on merit.

Note: I.S.I.S. do actively discriminate on almost every form of deviation from the norm so if you do not; look like, behave like, act like, the typical average, underperforming, middle management muppet, then don’t waste the postage.

 

 

 

Grant Shapps – A New Role?

** BREAKING NEWS**

Grant Shapps offered senior role at the Institute Of Mediocre Management.

Grant Shapps exit

“When I find out who told Sir about me I’m going to smash his face in..”

Grant Shapps, has resigned as Conservative Minister for Incompetence  amid allegations of bullying, sexual assault and intimidation within the Tory party. These are preposterous allegations, the man is rich, successful and a Conservative. Chaps like this get others to do that sort of thing for them, his hands are clean.

And so after discussing the matter at the Club, Mr Shapps has been offered a senior role in H.R. here at the I.M.M. looking after youth training, women’s rights and ethics.

For those who are unfamiliar with Mr Shapps here is his Wiki pageGrant Shapps Wiki

I.M.M. XMAS Play – still tickets available.

Don’t forget to order tickets for our Xmas production ‘Scrooge the Misunderstood’.  Sing along as he gets social security to remove Tiny Tim’s benefits as he’s obviously fit for work and then fires his incompetent clerk after a reorganisation. The final chorus of ‘Bonuses are Good, Bob Crachit is a Wanker’ is a fulsome finale!

Mediocrity is good enough says Top Business Executive

We are delighted to welcome as our Guest post author, Sir Sebastian Littlecock-Dumpling, Chairman of Advanced Diesel Software Technology Ltd who is on the Institute’s management committee looking after Environmental issues. Littlecock-Dumpling has held senior executive positions with Ratners, Barings Bank and Enron. Over to you Seb!

Dear Directors, Leaders and any of the lower classes tuning in.

One was really awfully pleased to be able to scribe a few lines for this august publication. My daughter, Hortense, informed me that this was a ‘blogg’, when asked to explain she Instawotmessaged me or something so I still have no ruddy idea what a ‘blogg’ is. Anyway here’s a short speech – can you hear me at the back? (smiling face type icon!).

My topic today is Mediocrity, derived from the Latin mediocritatem ‘a middle state’. That is, neither up nor down, cutting edge or down the pan. This is a much maligned word in business today but probably the most effective company state if one is trying to be rich and successful and doing as little work as possible. And I can’t imagine why one shouldn’t want to follow this path.

Very rich and successful actor gets it!

A very rich and successful actor gets it!

Post Will Smith’s After Earth sci-fi blockbuster which was one of the top Mediocre Movies of all time, Will was quoted as saying

“I completely released the concept of goal-orientation and got into path-orientation – this moment, this second, these people, this interaction”

Marvellous! It’s the perfect example of rearranging reality to fit the moment. Ergo you can be right all of the time if you want to be and if you are a Boss you always need to be.

I remember back in the nineties when I was looking after some techie stuff for Amalgamated I.T.,  a computer geek chappy came to see me about selling some software to us. I remember him well, no tie, scruffy hair and jeans – I thought he was the window cleaner. He was called Lawrence, or Laurie Page, I can’t quite remember. He said would I like to by his Goggle (?) search engine software for $100,000!! Hah I countered, not while my trusty Yellow Pages tome is to hand. Now, I said, be gone scruffy and learn some respect for your elders and obvious betters!

Apparently his company has done quite well since then but I saved A.S. plc a lot of money and my bonus was pretty good that year. So from a Mediocre point of view – i.e. Never risk the next bonus – I was of course absolutely right!

Now one can go even further back in the annals of economic history to a splendid old geezer called John Stuart Mill who was an English philosopher, political economist and civil servant.  One of his more famous quotations was:

JSMill

Many business leaders, you know the sort; risk taking, ducking and diving, you can have it all if you work hard type, believe the quote actually promotes excellence. They may of course be right but as 99% of all businesses fail eventually, it’s safer, as we the mediocre elite know, to take the quote on face value.

So you splendid people, how can you ensure that your company becomes or remains mediocre enabling you to have a light hand on the tiller, little work but a large salary with lots of executive perks?

Here’s a ‘What to Do’ PowerPoint slide, the communication tool of preference, for those of us who proudly wave the flag of average, adequate, middling, mainstream, passable, uninspired and indifferent management and thus lead the great corporations of the world.

IMM1

Than you for your time and off course do look me up on NoProles.com and let my people know you’d like a word.

Sir Seb

Stop press: Since this blog was posted Advanced Diesel Software Technology Ltd has gone into liquidation and Sir Sebastian is currently taking a short holiday in Bolivia where there is, co-incidently, no bilateral extradition treaty

 

Executive Pay v Company Performance? More Pay = Less profit

Performance for Pay? The Relation Between CEO Incentive Compensation and Future Stock Price Performance

Research* last year clearly showed that there is clear evidence that Chief Executive Officer (CEO) pay is negatively related to future stock returns for periods up to three years after sorting on pay. For example, firms that pay their CEOs in the top ten percent of excess pay earn negative abnormal returns over the next three years of approximately -8%. The effect is stronger for CEOs who receive higher incentive pay relative to their peers and stronger for CEOs with greater tenure. Our results appear to be driven by high-pay related CEO overconfidence that leads to shareholder wealth losses from activities such as over investment and value-destroying mergers and acquisitions.

And in September we had two excellent examples of this with our two mediocre managers of the month being both overpaid and incompetent.

VW and glencore

Our Membership Director at the Institute of Mediocre Management has asked me to reach out to other ‘C’ level executives who are also overpaid and out of their depth and who might needed friendly club where they can share their experiences with other like-minded buffoons.  We have a lot of Bankers as you would expect and good representation from the construction and telephone sales industries and of course a couple of ‘charities’ but all are welcome. You need to have a pathological fear of Mr Corbyn, an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance and abilities, and also proof of significant tax avoidance. The latter is important so that if you ever ‘show and tell’ so will we (smiley face).

Do remember also that most Management Gurus such as dear Dickie Branson, Big Al Sugar and that plonker on Dragon’s Den tell us all that to succeed you need to fail first and then learn from that. Here at the I.M.M. we have many of the world’s leading business failures and most have never tasted success but it will surely come. However they continue to invest millions of investor’s money into their madcap schemes hoping that the law of averages will work to their favour.

So if your current package is gross, your litany of bankruptcies immense and your ego colossal then join us now at the I.M.M. Because you’re worth it!

*Michael J. Cooper, University of Utah – David Eccles School of Business, Huseyin Gulen
Purdue University – Krannert School of Management, P. Raghavendra Rau
University of Cambridge

We’re All Doomed! The End is Nigh! Pack Up Your Valuables and Flee!

corbyn2This was the perfectly reasoned response from our Head of Communications here at the I.M.M. when Mr Corbyn was manipulated by a bunch of students, the unemployed and some vegans into being the next Labour Party leader.

There was talk of burning our files and summoning our fleet of Lexuses (or is it Lexi?) and heading for Dover but the panic has subsided and your committee has now decided to offer the following advice to our esteemed members.

Mr Corbyn is not a threat because his proposals on closer inspection are not worrisome:

Tax Rises for the Rich:

We don’t pay taxes so this is not an issue

Cancelling a replacement Trident nuclear deterrent:

This does not affect our membership apart from our Head of Ethics whose company Green Nukes was hoping to offload our old subs and missiles to a Iranian contact.

Nationalise the Railways:

This has its benefits as the I.M.M. will be lobbying for a return to First Class with an enforced dress code (formal) and a Third class for the riff raff without a corridor allowing access to the rest of the train.

Quantitative easing for people:

Billions to be used to invest in housing, energy, transport and digital projects.

The I.M.M. has discussed this with some of our major sponsors and they will be offering discounted shares to our members in the following companies:

  • Amalgamated Builders
  • Amalgamated Power
  • Amalgamated Engines

Currently no one we know has anything to do with ‘Digital’. Apparently its a replacement technology for telephones and fax machines. If anyone can help our Blue Sky Techno team out further please let us know

Finally JC has a beard, so do Hipsters and Charles Manson. He is therefore bonkers and unelectable

Board meetings are boring say bosses

Thought Leaders thinking

Thought Leaders thinking

There was an excellent article in the HBR by a Jaques Neatby who is a consultant. This does not mean that we should automatically ignore his musings as self promotion or a pitch for new business as that would be most unfair. Many I.M.M. members have been consultants in between management roles, its so much better than saying one is unemployed and in many cases, unemployable.

Jaques explains that many Senior Managers think that  executive team meetings are “a waste of time,” “boring,” “serial one-on-ones with the CEO,” and a place where “decisions are avoided — not made.”

and this he explains is for three reasons:

Reason #1: No one really wants to make decisions in meetings.

Reason #2: No one really wants to facilitate.

Reason #3: The CEO doesn’t really want a structured agenda.

Now you can see why this man is a consultant. Talk about stealing your watch and then telling you the time. Can you imagine any of us who have the honour and experience to call ourselves ‘Thought Leaders’ ever engaging in decision making, facilitation or god forbid meandering through a ‘structured agenda’, whatever that is.

Anyway if you have time please read his polemic, it’s a perfect riposte to any underling that has the temerity to ask people like us to say Yes or No to one of their time consuming projects or initiatives. Our time is more valuable than that as we use these meetings to fight to hold onto our empires, suck up to our wonderful CEOs and find ways to reduce costs in order to boost our bonuses.

Here is his article: Why Excom Meetings Are the Wrong Place to Make Decisions

Reason #1: No one really wants to make decisions in meetings.

 Ask executives what their meetings are for and a typical answer is “to make decisions.” But as all executives know, decisions rarely get made during meetings. Why? Despite what they say, most executives actually don’t want decisions made during meetings. Sure, they want to participate in decisions that affect colleagues or the business, but if the decision affects them, the last thing they want is a debate where their voice is just one amongst many. Better to push the debate off the agenda so they can later present their case to the CEO one-on-one.

 For their part, CEOs are more than happy when decisions get pushed off the agenda because they don’t like being pressured into decision-making in a meeting. Imagine you have to decide whether to acquire a company or to lay off employees. Such decisions take time and it is difficult to predict the precise moment they are ripe to be made.

 So when the agenda states that an item requires decision-making (as best practices would have it), CEOs run the risk of appearing indecisive if they judge it’s not time to pull the trigger. Plus, even if it is time to make a tough call, it is not always wise for the CEO to make his or her decision known on the spot if team members have just expressed a different view. While most CEOs have the authority to publicly “overrule” their team members, it is not something they do lightly or without preparation. Authority is like money in a bank account: it is best not to make unnecessary withdrawals.

 Reason #2: No one really wants to facilitate.

 Given the vague wording of agenda items (e.g. “project update” or “round-the-table”), I have often observed an executive team discussion run for 20 minutes or more when suddenly one member will interrupt another and say “But that’s not the topic we’re discussing!” An interminable debate then ensues about what the “real” topic is or should be. Another common occurrence is participants who wander off topic.

 In theory, you would mitigate both problems by nominating an executive to act as a facilitator, which is why it is proposed as a best practice. But few executives want the job because there is no upside: intervene and you run the very real risk of offending a colleague whose support you need or, worse, your boss who is more often than not the source of the problem. Keep quiet and, at worse, you sit through another boring meeting and possibly catch up on your e-mails. This is not to say that executives won’t intervene when there is a critical issue. But a discussion that wanders off track doesn’t qualify. Such non-interventionism does not demonstrate a lack of courage, as some (mostly non-executives) would claim, but rather results from a rational cost-benefit analysis.

 Reason #3: The CEO doesn’t really want a structured agenda.

 Selecting agenda items that concern all team members is another best practice whose fit with executive team reality is questionable. The expression “team meeting” makes some lose sight of the fact that many CEOs consider it their meeting first and foremost.

 It is a critical moment for CEOs because, as one executive once put it to me, “the CEO is the most manipulated person in the organization.” He was reacting to the myth that CEOs, perched as they are atop the organization, see and know everything. Research and experience tell a very different story: CEOs actually find it difficult to obtain the information they need. They must seek it proactively but when they do in one-on-ones with their executives, the latter don’t always tell the whole story fearing their boss will stick their nose too far into their business.

 Team meetings fill the void because their characteristic lack of structure allows issues to surface that might not otherwise. Furthermore, a CEO is more likely to get a complete picture of those issues with the entire team on hand than sitting with a lone team member. Thus CEOs are not fond of tightly structured agendas, particularly ones that seek to involve all members, as these prevent them from probing issues they alone may see as critical. If that entails a bit of boredom for team members, so be it.

Source: Original article written by in Harvard Business Review: Jacques Neatby

Ex-Sainsbury’s boss Justin King slams National Living Wage

JKing2

Introducing a nationwide rate for the Living Wage is “ludicrous”, former Sainsbury’s chief executive Justin King has claimed. He claims that the National Living Wage will “destroy jobs”.

The living wage will come into force in April 2016 and set a new minimum pay level of £7.20 an hour for workers aged 25 and over.

Here at the IMM we are wholly against any increase in the so called Living Wage until there is clear evidence that people not receiving this amount are actually dying.

Mr King, is a well respected Thought Leader at the IMM, having come to prominence on joining Sainsbury’s when he immediately authorised the removal of the Colleague Christmas Bonus award of £100. The removal of the bonus was a contentious issue, given its consistent payment for 25 years. The money saved allowed him to pay himself a £500,000 bonus that week.

Members should note that IMM guidance is that bonuses are for senior management only as they are the wealth creators whereas the workers should be grateful to be employed. A day off on Xmas day for non-essential jobs should be bonus enough.

King’s annual salary at Sainsbury’s was £900,000, coupled with a bonus package between £3-£6million annually, a clear demonstration of his immense capability and capacity for self worth. And this was supported by his wily decision to jump ship just before Sainsbury’s share price collapsed.

His  comments come in the same week that Sainsbury’s announced that, from 30 August, its 137,000 shop-floor staff, including workers under 25, will see their standard rate of pay rise 4% to £7.36 an hour. (Mr King earned £7.36 in 5.2 seconds when he was in charge)

The IMM will be writing to Sainsbury’s about this pay award and the precedents it may set. Currently our Institute purchases pomegranates and Manchego cheese from this store for our Directors’ lunches and until we receive a satisfactory explanation from the company we will put this under review.

Sainsbury's profits could slump by £34.89

Sainsbury’s profits could slump by £34.89