Tag Archives: Humour

Sleeping is for Wimps! Man up says the IMM and smell the Coffee

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Here at the Institute of Mediocre Management we pride ourselves on our policy of looking after our esteemed members holistically. Not only do we want to see our colleagues do well fiscally but also we want to ensure their mental and physical well-being. After all, IMM members are the Elite, The Head Honchos, Those Who Shall Be Obeyed and therefore without them leading our World, it would cease to function in the way it does today.

An infographic is currently circulating showing how the top business people and politicians manage their sleep patterns and it’s clear that there is a wide differential in the amount of sleep taken.

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU REALLY NEED?

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU REALLY NEED?

The IMM’s Medical team investigated this research and discovered that those who get enough sleep are more likely to have better mental health and are less likely to be overweight, develop high blood pressure, raised cholesterol and Type 2 diabetes.

But they also discovered that if you cut sleep back to less than five hours a night for several days in a row, then your short-term and long-term memory, ability to focus, decision-making capacity, number processing, cognitive speed, and spatial orientation all start to suffer.

When I ran Widget European Enterprises , I personally introduced a corporate culture based around Sleep Deprivation and it didn’t hurt us a bit, apart from the litigation and the bankruptcy. It was a unique concept, which worked extremely well for W.E.E. as the resulting high turnover of junior executives, mainly from mental and physical breakdowns, allowed us to keep wages down and therefore increase profits.

Here is some of the guidance we gave to our up and coming leaders:

  • An ambitious manager should manage at least an 100-hour work week
  • Sleep should be restricted to less than five hours per night, so employees can be on call for longer.
  • Employees’ phones should be on at all times and answered at all times.
  • When you signed up, the small print advised that W.E.E. own you. Get used to it.
  • Stay Awake! Drink at least 10 cups of coffee a day! Snoozing is for Wimps!

For us, of course, the Numero Uno Executive Leaders, long days are not an issue. How else can we utilise our expense accounts? So we tend to burn the candle at both ends, with early breakfast meetings and dinners that run late, for days and days. And if like me you can’t get to sleep without some wind-down time in a lap dancing club then you may not doze off until 2 in the morning. Which can mean an average four hours of sleep a night for four or five days.

The IMM Medical team advises that Executives running this kind of schedule develop the same level of cognitive impairment as if they’d been awake for 24 hours, equivalent to legal drunkenness, and like a drunk, a person who is sleep deprived has no idea how functionally impaired he or she truly is. The results are obvious. Senior Executives may get angry at employees, make unsound decisions that affect the future of their companies, and give muddled presentations before their colleagues, customers, the press, or shareholders and generally offer bugger all value to anyone.

So no change there and no-one will notice any behavioural changes at all if we, the Masters of The Mediocre, have 4 hours or 10 hours sleep, so it’s BAU: Keep Calm and Carry On Oppressing the Masses.

Trickle-down economics means the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor

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According to The Independent’s economics editor Ben Chu, what would later be championed by the free-market right was actually first spun as a joke by one-time circus cowboy and humourist Will Rogers. At a time when the US was in the midst of the Great Depression he said:

Money was appropriated for the top in hopes that it would trickle down to the needy.

Trickle-down economics is the idea that reducing the tax burden on the wealthiest is good for the least wealthy, as the rich see their disposal incomes increase and therefore spend more on services that companies can reinvest and create new jobs.

It’s also completely wrong, claims a report out this week from former US Treasury secretary Larry Summers and shadow chancellor Ed Balls.

The report, from the Centre for American Progress, states:

Left to their own devices, unfettered markets and trickle-down economics will lead to increasing levels of inequality, stagnating wages, and a hollowing out of decent, middle-income jobs.

According to Summers and Balls, the only thing tax cuts for the rich create is a growing income gap, as the wealthiest members of a society do not necessarily ‘invest’ in it, they could just save their money for example.

This graphic helps explain the idea versus the reality.

Trickle Down

Once you realise that trickle-down economics does not work, you will see the excessive tax cuts for the rich as what they are: a simple upward redistribution of income, rather than a way to make all of us richer.

Ha-Joon Chang, economics professor at Cambridge University
What’s the alternative? The Summers-Balls report’s suggestion is simple: Higher wages for ordinary workers, increased tax rates for the super-rich and corporations, and the closing of international tax loopholes, with the money instead being spend on public infrastructure.

That doesn’t sound like too much, especially in a week when it was revealed that within 12 months the richest one per cent of the planet will be richer than the remaining 99 per cent…

Original article by Ben Chu (edited by i100 staff) 

Christmas, a time of hardship and crisis for the fortunate minority

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Brian, not his real name, has spoken to this Blog on the basis that we do not reveal his true identity. Brian is very, very depressed and is all alone in the Social Media world with no-one to Tweet, Facebook, Instagram, Snap Chat or even ring to talk though his issues with.

Brian is really quite upset as you can see

Brian is really quite upset as you can see

Brian has a well-paid job, a happy marriage and two healthy, well brought up and obedient children and he also gets on extremely well with his Mother-in-Law.

And that’s where his Xmas problems started. Brian and his family are looking forward to the festive season, as they do every year, where they will, as usual, have a fun filled, family centric time together, eating well but healthily with a few drinks but well within the acceptable number of units as recommended by the Health watchdog. They will then watch the Queen’s speech before washing up together whilst singing carols.

Brian is therefore unable to join in the run up to Xmas Faceblog Twatter ‘conversation’ and ‘engage’ with everyone from Agony Aunts to concerned Mum’s Media who have helpfully provided lists of ‘How to Have a Happy Xmas’ do’s and don’ts.  With no crises to communicate, he has been boycotted and ostracised although he admits that in 2011 he did tweet about how it was all going really very well at his place and he was immediately trolled and had to go into Social Media hiding for months.

His almost complete exclusion now from being an active participant in cyber space has been further driven by admissions that he bought a 50 inch TV the week after black Friday for slightly less than half that price, all his items purchased on Manic Monday were in stock and were delivered 24hrs later and that his Xmas food order has now arrived complete with nothing missing or damaged.

So on top being thrown out of the Twitter sphere, the serious and significant financial implications of being unable to complain about anything means that he will not be receiving any complimentary vouchers, money off coupons or a chance to enjoy 15 minutes of fame complaining on a consumer show. And now even his work colleagues, who having heard he is going to be promoted again, are shunning him at the Xmas Office drinks.

So while at this time of year we often turn our thoughts to those less fortunate than ourselves please also spare a moment to think about those who are more fortunate and are often forgotten. You can help by making a donation to the ‘What Crisis at Christmas Fund’ where next year:

  • £5 will allow us to re-route his wife’s present so it arrives late and broken on the 27th December
  • £10 will mean that Brian receives the Very Vegan hamper for Xmas rather than the Turkey and trimmings one
  • £50 enables a Xmas Eve burglar to enter and steal his Kids presents

Thank you one and all. Happy Holidays

British Army now recruits from China

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The Ministry of Defence has unveiled the new look British Army which will protect the UK’s borders and interests from 2015. General Sir Arnold Mainwaring-Pike, Head of the Army, admitted that the recent cuts meant some ‘blue sky thinking’ and ‘strategic paradigms were needed going forward”.

The radical new policy means that rather than recruiting the unemployed with violent tendencies from the streets of our northern most cities, Britain will now outsource Army recruitment to China where soldiers will be manufactured to order.

Soldiers R Us Catalogue

Soldiers R Us Catalogue

“Clearly being able to order exactly the right number of soldiers who are fully trained as bazooka chaps or machine gunners from the start, clearly saves on recruitment and training costs” said Mainwaring–Pike. “And because they come in green, we save on uniform costs as well.”

The first batch of the new soldiers arrived in the U.K. earlier this year and were put through their paces at the Army’s main training base at Dontlikeit Uppham where according to Sergeant Major ‘Taffy’ McBarstard they were an immediate improvement to his normal raw recruits.

UK's new Army revealed

UK’s new Army revealed

“Once we got them all standing up on the parade ground they remained perfectly in line for hours. Never flinched. Bugger all use at marching but that will come.” McBarstard was equally impressed with their resilience. “It was when we got the bunch of lily-livered mummy’s boys onto the battlefield training area that we were really surprised. Every time you shot at one of them you could just pop them back up on their feet and they were ready to go again. Any casualties and dab of glue worked wonders.”

The British Army has ordered 498 boxes of these troops and will be collecting balls of string and recycled carrier bags to use for the formation of a new airborne division.

Executive High Pay | Because We’re Worth It | Hug a Fat Cat in 2014

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rich_fatcat_banker_or_businessman_with_a_pot_of_gold_0521-1001-2913-3608_SMU

2014 has been another successful year for we the management elite. One is reminded of that dear old Greek chap Aristotle who so accurately opined

For that some should rule and others be ruled is a thing not only necessary, but expedient; from the hour of their birth, some are marked out for subjection, others for rule.

(Aristotle made his fortune from the invention of the Kebab and never looked back)

According to the High Pay Centre[1]    In 2014, we have done rather better financially than expected and one might reasonably ask: ‘What Recession?’

Our executive pay has grown from 60 times that of the average worker to almost 180 times since the 1990s said their report.

The FTSE 100 Chief Executives are paid an average £4.3 million[2], equivalent to hourly pay of well over £1,000. Executive pay has increased by 74% over the past decade, while wages for ordinary workers have remained flat.

Top bosses now take home more in two and a half days than the average worker earns in a year so we are well on our way to our target of; 1 day’s work for us equals 1 year’s work for the Great Unwashed, which feels about right.

Of course we have to thank a few others for helping us rise to these glorious heights where we rightfully belong. Our Conservative Party colleagues, for helping us drive the little people’s wages down enabling our profits to rise and triggering our performance related bonuses. The Socialist lot for electing Ed as their top man, who is as effective as a non-exec in a remuneration committee and of course, UKIP who have managed to convince everyone that it’s immigration that’s at fault and why the country is in such a state rather that the mis-management of the banking, financial and other key industries by us the Fat Cats[3].

To be clear we don’t want Farage’s lot in power or else we are going to have to pay a living wage to some UK born and bred chap who actually has some rights.

So in this season of goodwill to all, let us put apart our differences and remember those less fortunate and poorer than us by raising a toast to all skint people everywhere who support us by their toil and strife and especially those who aspire to be like us and don’t rock the boat.

A Happy Xmas to You All

Dick

Notes:

1: A bunch of socialist malcontents mostly on the average wage

2: For the benefit of HMRC we actually earn £43,000 in the UK the rest is earned in

Lichtenstein

3. Fat Cats are very popular on YouTube as although they are a teensie bit selfish

underneath they are lovely and huggable, just like us really.

Note: Please follow this blog and/or comment and great luck and good things will allegedly come to you

Image: http://www.acclaimimages.com/_gallery/_pages/0521-1001-2913-3608.html

 

Korean Airlines VP goes Nuts about Nuts

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Here at ‘How To Be Rich and Successful’, which is now South Krukiztan’s 13th favourite Blog, we often acknowledge those whose leadership skills and management ability become a shining beacon for all of us who aspire to be the ‘C’ level execs that ordinary people talk about in wonder at Sales Conferences the world over.

To recap the story: The head of Korean Air’s in-flight service has stepped down after a dispute with a crew member over the way she was served nuts. Travelling as a passenger, Korean Airlines VP Heather Cho reportedly delayed a flight to expel a crew member over the way she was served nuts. Ms. Cho was seated in first class when she took issue with a flight attendant who handed her macadamia nuts in a bag, not on a dish. Ms Cho is actually the eldest of the airline’s Chairman Cho Yang-ho’s three children, who are all executives with the airline so in reality is really a VIP VP

Of course the world’s press are up in arms about this, portraying her as ‘arrogant’, ‘only got the job because of nepotism’ and ‘out of touch with reality’ as though these attributes were a bad thing rather than key requirements of a successful Senior Manager.

The so called journalists who write this rubbish  probably have never flown first class and if they had they would realise how important this issue was. It’s all very well chucking packets of nuts and spraying beer over the people at the back of the plane but there are standards to be met when you turn left at the door. Ms Cho was absolutely ‘On Brand’ as marketing people are inclined to say. No idea what that means but most of them know their Chablis from their Chardonnay and also fly in the pointy end so lets not quibble with the concept here.

I, of course, fly first class everywhere and many times a year and I for one will not fly with Korean Airlines ever again. In fact I won’t fly with Cathay Pacific (napkin folded incorrectly), Delta (wine glass with a smudge on the base), Emirates (knife blade pointing inwards to plate) and the list goes on. I don’t spend £1000’s for this kind of appalling service (actually I don’t, the company does, but the point is still valid) without expecting to be treated as a Deity not an ordinary human being. With Emirates we were half way to Dubai when I demanded the captain return to London or at least hurl the steward out into the Adriatic and it was only when he kindly gave me another bottle of the ‘Krug ’57 that I relented and allowed to plane to resume its course to its destination.

Through my contacts I have obtained photos of what was served rather than what should have been served by the hapless Cabin Crew member, who apparently has still yet to be arrested. I will be forwarding these to the appropriate authorities in order to speed up this mis-carriage of justice.

THE WRONG NUTS

THE WRONG WAY TO SERVE NUTS

THE RIGHT NUTS

THE RIGHT WAY TO SERVE NUTS

Hopefully the airline will come to its senses, reinstate her and then promote her to the board. Marvellous lady, got more spunk than many a man I know.The good news is that the Institute of Mediocre Management will be approaching Ms Cho to see if she will agree to speak at our annual get together at the Royal Fartwanglers Club on the subject of Plebs and their occasional usefulness

Stop the harassment of Rich People! Sign up now* to give them a voice

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Anne Wojcicki, former spouse of the founder of Google, Sergey Brin parks where she wants to. When she is caught, which is 50% of the time, she simply pays the fines.

Although she has a net worth of around $20Bn and can afford to pay these charges off immediately it’s still blatantly unfair that the Californian authorities have yet to offer a bulk discount enabling her to save money on her contributions to the State. What about two fines for the price of one, a season ticket or 50% off on Black Fridays?

And why should we clamour for help for this wonderful lady? Well single handedly due to her admirable pig headiness, understandable upper class arrogance and refusal to fall in line with the pseudo socialist mantras of the local traffic enforcement authorities, she is funding whole communities with her selfless acts. Yet another example of how Rich People are often persecuted by those they selflessly help out.

We all know that Rich People are intrinsically better than Poor People. This is because they have more money ergo they are more successful, obviously work harder and certainly dress better so why the authorities (note; mostly made up of poor people)  want Rich People to follow rules primarily aimed at the lower classes is anyone’s guess.

It is just about understandable that this should occassionally happen in the UK, where from time to time we have socialist cabals in power but its intensely worrying that this happens across the pond where you regularly shoot Poor People and where Rich People are usually merely admonished respectfully.

The *Committee for Rich Advantaged People has the following proposal which will be presented for consideration and then forced through anyway. The following irritations should NOT apply to the better off:

  • Parking restrictions
  • Speed restrictions
  • Queuing for anything
  • Waiting for anything
  • Being forced to mix with those of lower standing

And how do you join us at CRAP? Just tick the boxes below and if all these apply then you are in.

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 11.27.54

Up the Ruling Classes!

New TESCO offer set to restore confidence in ailing grocer

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For those who may not know Tesco PLC is a multinational grocery and general merchandise retailer. After Walmart, it is the second-largest retailer in the world measured by profits and second-largest retailer in the world measured by revenues. It has stores in 12 countries across Asia, Europe and North America and is the grocery market leader in the UK. But  it’s now in trouble for allegedly telling porky pies about its recent profits. A new Mediocre company we Brits can be proud of! Take a look at the share price. Screen Shot 2014-11-12 at 18.41.10

And this crisis has hit the other side of the pond as poor old Warren Buffet is now down to his last $70.3 Billion as he loses heavily on Tesco shares. (Please note that If you are able to donate to the WB I’m very nearly broke fund please do so that we can assist the poor guy in his dotage. As usual send all donations to Dick who will pass them on taking only reasonable expenses out)

There is however some good news. With the departure or suspension of many key Tesco Executives, rumours are circulating in the City of the imminent appointment of Torvil DeHavilland-Pratt, noted Marketing guru and a Director of the Institute of Mediocre Management, as Most Senior Executive RS VP Promotions at Tesco In an exclusive interview, Torvil revealed how he has married together the financial expertise of the remaining Tesco Accountants and the stores reputation for low prices. So coming to a store near you will be the  Get more Cash for your Cash! instore promotion He explains: “The prices for brand new and genuine £10 pound notes will be slashed. They were previously on sale at £14.99 each but will now be only £12 each or 2 for £22.99. If these notes are invested in the new Tesco Investment Trusts Upgrade Programme or TiTsUp customers will receive an interest rate of between -10% and +10%” Typical Example of whats bound to happen to your investment:

Buy 10 x £10 notes at £14.99 each £149.90
Introductory discount (2 for £22.99) £34.95
Actual price for customer £114.95
Total at end of 5 years cumulative interest (with assumed interest rate at 10%) £185.13*

“That’s over £70 profit from your TiTsUp fund”, explained Torvil, “compared to none if you’d kept 10 x £10 notes in a tin under your bed for the same time. And if you put in £100,000 and why wouldn’t one? You would get £71,000 yes £71,000 for doing nothing but acting smugly for 5yrs.” So Dick Lannister says ignore Warren Buffet, what does he know? With Torvil likely to lead the way at Tesco, sell everything you own and invest in this famous Mediocre UK company’s fantastic scheme.

* Please note that your capital rate ratios portfolios can levitate gravitationally both in a vertical and upwards scenario but also move in an anti-positive direction which may result in your fiscal remainder being short of a contribution or two at the end of term.

Top 10 Bad Behaviours

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According to a recent press release by the Institute of Leadership and Management (ILM) the top ten bad behaviours witnessed in the workplace were:

  • Cutting corners – 72%
  • Lying to hide your mistakes – 72%
  • Badmouthing colleagues – 68%
  • Passing the buck (when you don’t get your work done) – 67%
  • Slacking off when no one’s watching – 64%
  • Lying to hide other people’s mistakes – 63%
  • Taking credit for other people’s work – 57%
  • Taking a sickie – 56%
  • Lying about skills and experience – 54%
  • Taking low value items from work – 52%

This is an extremely worrying set of statistics and despite the source being a press release is very likely to be true.

It’s clear from this that successive governments and do-gooders have been pushing the education agenda too far. If you start telling the workers that they are equal in stature and status to their managers they start getting ideas well above their station and start behaving like one.

These so called ‘bad’ behaviours are the cornerstone of our Mediocre Management culture, a set of carefully honed skills that take years to perfect, requiring practice and effort to ensure they are never spotted and the manager never caught out.

Enabling the staff (sorry, ‘colleagues’), students, interns (!) and Doris the tea lady to get above their station in life and ‘cut corners’ or ‘’pass the buck’ is manifestly unacceptable behaviour and must be stopped or the rot will soon set in. Before we know it there will workers on the Board, the pay gap between them and us will shrink and we may even see a need for accountability for management decisions. This needs to be stopped!

Now in the good old days you could take one or two out and flog them as an example to the others but not today, you can’t even fire someone without 20 warnings and HR crawling all over your back so you’ll need to keep your retribution legal and above board.

My suggestions are:

  • An outdoors bonding weekend in February involving a river, a build-your -own raft and 7.00am starts
  • Compulsory team meetings every Friday at 5pm
  • A Bush tucker trial where employees have to eat insects or work unpaid overtime
  • Promote the most disliked member of staff to a supervisory role over the most rebellious department

If none of this works, then fall back to the tried and trusted method of a long-winded re-organisation. Set impossible targets and create a host of ‘challenges’ to be overcome with a gentle hint that winners keep their jobs.

Remember Mediocrity must prevail!